two months

yesterday was two months since i last spoke to Sam.  people i mentioned it to said, "Wow, times flies!" not really.

i broke it down in my head yesterday:  the first two or three weeks were hell.  the next two were adjustment.  the next two were feeling like things were good.  the next week was almost like it was happening all over again (last Friday i had a complete meltdown when i got home from work.  i sobbed for a good 30 minutes -  it was pathetic).  and then this past week, i came back to myself it feels like.  it helps that we have been in slightly more contact, though situational more than anything.  he sent me a text for my birthday which i knew he would (everyone said he wouldn't because i told him not to contact me until he was ready to try again - i was right.).  i sent him a text two weeks later on his birthday.  i've broken my rule since by liking one or two photos on his IG feed and (gasp!) i replied to something he tweeted earlier this week.  he's returned the favor with his own indirect interactions.  it's been nice to have contact with him again.

i realized yesterday that when i asked him not to contact me, it was coming from my past experiences - in previous breakups, i had never really wanted to keep in touch with the guys: they either ended up being jerks or i was so hurt by what happened that i couldn't deal with even the thought of having to see their name on my call display or in my inbox.  so that's why i asked him not to contact me.  but with Sam, it's different - regardless of what happens, he's a positive light in my life and you don't let those go.  he challenged me in ways he'll never know and for me, unexpectedly.  at 37, i thought i had myself figured out but i think that now, i know there is always things to challenge and grow from.  i want him in my life, if only to make me a better person for it.

i asked a girl at work, who recently got back together with her long-distance boyfriend, how it happened.  she said that he moved back to the Maritimes and they ended it.  but he kept in touch, would call her every once in awhile or text.  i guess it got to the point where she realized that she still loved him and now they're back together.  this is where my belief that my request for no contact was in error.  he can't come back to me if we aren't in contact.

i don't feel he's exceptionally proud, but i think it would be hard for anyone to just contact their ex again and say, "let's try this again" without having any contact in weeks or months.  i could be totally off, but i feel like these seemingly insignificant points of contact are actually significant.  i don't get the sense that he's dating anyone (he said that wasn't why he felt like he needed time and i believe him), though i don't know if he's been "dating" anyone (it has been 8 weeks after all.  even i'm getting antsy, and i went 6 years without it).  i think he's just living his life, and deciding whether or not i fit into it.

i think i've said this before but that's what bothers me about this whole thing - i get worked up about how good we could be together and how we complement each other but i really don't know that.  we didn't really have a "real" relationship.  we were dating, that's all.  it felt like more, but it wasn't.  i think that's why it's hard for me to understand why he's feeling like he can't fit me in his life right now because he doesn't really know how, or even if, i fit.  he might hate how messy i am or how i like to buy multiples of everything, even though i live alone and don't need to.  i might hate how he can't sit still or how he doesn't watch network TV.  who knows?  we might just be better of as friends in the end (though the chemistry is too hard to ignore so it will have to be all or nothing, i think).

i don't know.  i've been trying to be good about "living in the moment" and not spending too much time worrying about what i don't know.  the Mraz song runs in my head a lot, and it's helping.  easy and breezy.

one month

today it'll be one month since Sam and I "took a break".  admittedly, it's been getting easier every day to put the relationship in the past.  it is my insistence on hanging on to what was - by checking his Instagram feed or his Twitter feed - that is making it harder to move on.

on june 3rd, it would've been one year to the day we met for coffee.  prior to the break, i planned on IGing a photo or text tile that celebrated it.  and i still did it.  it was a text tile that basically said in this whole universe with everything in it, i had the privilege of meeting you.  and then i posted it on IG and Twitter, just to make sure he saw it.  later in the day, he tweeted a Dave Matthews song called "Hallowe'en" with the caption, "Crazy emotions today. The intensity of the bottom half makes my blood boil." i thought it might be sexual, but then i heard and read the lyrics to the DMB song and thought, "ok, maybe he hates me."

that night, i got home and checked his IG feed.  he had gone to the Starbucks we had first met at, taken a photo, and posted it on IG with the hashtag #oneyearago.  he may be more maudlin than me. it's a Cancer thing.

it's been a strange ride, these past few weeks.  he wanted to be able to stay in touch through texts or email, just to see how we were doing.  i said no - it defeated the purpose.  he seemed slightly disappointed but understood and said it made sense.  i have a feeling his previous relationship "breaks" included the occasional text, email or phone call, and maybe even booty call.  however, we have remained "friends" on social media  (FB, IG and T) and it has been hard, though deleting him from all of them would've been worse because i wouldn't have known what he was doing, which would've been worse. he said that, if things didn't end up working out between us, that he still wanted to be friends because he considered me a friend. that was comforting at the time, but now i wonder if it was just sentimentality talking. he's only sent me one email, but it was a group email to whoever that updated everyone on his new cell phone number. that's it. i'm sure he's been trying to let me know how he is and where he's at through his posts.  he has never posted as much on Twitter as he has in the past few weeks and a lot of his posts seem like ones he would've texted to me instead had we still been together.  so fucked up.

this is the second weekend that would've been "our" weekend that i haven't seen him.  my mind goes crazy at what, or who, he could be doing, but it's no longer my concern.  well, it's no longer my business and it shouldn't be my concern.  he hasn't updated anything on social media since yesterday morning so of course, my mind is every which way.  who's he with, what's he doing, what's he thinking? for all i know, it was a quiet evening that didn't involve anything but going for a swim, getting some dinner and reading his books.  or, he could've gone out with his female friend who i've always wondered why they never hooked up.  maybe they have now. or, he could've gone out with his new workmates given that last week, he was too sick to go out on friday and he had his kid anyway.  i shouldn't know this much stuff, but i do.  all because he offered it up to me on a platter known as a tweet.

his last IG post was a sign board in Yaletown that said something like, "Words to the wise are unnecessary.  It's the stupid people that need the advice." and his comment was "I feel this fits for me." his way of telling me he's still searching for answers?

i have given him (in my mind, obviously) until the end of the month to contact me.  that'll be six weeks and more than enough time to figure his shit out.  i know that i should've walked away from this the minute he ended it because, as my guy friends have pointed out to me in the past and present, no amount of shit from his past or present would stop him from being with you if he really wanted to be with you.  i believe that.  i just can't seem to stop hoping that i'm the exception.  i am not the exception. it's been my (sad) mantra for the past two weeks.  the good news is, i've been six days, tear-free.

it's a terrible thing, hope. it got me into this mess in the first place, kept me in it, and keeps me from walking away from it.  i was reading old blog entries from when i was with the Drama Queen seven years ago and they could've been written today.  why i don't ever seem to learn from my love mistakes is infuriating, but i realize that without my sense of hope, i wouldn't be me.  i'd probably be more emotionally stable and certainly not in the limbo i am now, but i'd be more cynical and more hardened and less open to what could be.  if there is anything that i've learned in the past few years it's that being open to things that come your way is the best way to live your life.  sure, it opens you up to heartache and uncertainty, but worrying about it doesn't add to the quality of your life either.  am i foolish for having hope about Sam?  yes, absolutely.  i'll be heartbroken all over again if he doesn't at least send me a FB greeting for my birthday.  but it doesn't mean that he won't come to his senses down the road.  it's just hard to think that we might be one of those couples that breaks up for 20 years and then gets back together when we're in our 70s.  ridiculous.  this whole thing is stupid.  i keep saying that because it is.  he just has to realize that i'm great for him. stupid man.  ;)

we are on a break

i don't know if that's what i really intended when i asked him to call me tonight, but that's what ended up happening.  we are calling it a break, but i know that means we're done.  i asked him to call me if he changed his mind, after some time had passed.  he called it ripping off the bandaid, but it's really just softening the blow of the inevitable.

i am numb.

the end?

in about three weeks, it will be exactly one year since Sam messaged me.  I thank God everyday for that day, and for the day i had the sense to respond, one week later.

and yet, it feels like something is wrong.  i've spent the past 10 months trying to not say the wrong thing and respect that he has a lot going on in his life.  i knew that would come back to bite me in the ass, and the past week or so, i'm starting to feel teeth.

work has been really busy for him the past week and a bit, more so than usual.  he also had his boy this weekend, so i knew he'd be busy.  but it feels like i'm just getting the dregs of his attention - whatever he can muster up at the end of the day.  and it's not in a phone call; it's almost always by text.

i blame myself for this - i could've corrected him months ago when he said out loud, "well, we both said we prefer texting over phone calls..."  i never said, not exactly.  i said i didn't like talking to people i had met online on the phone before i had even met them in person.  after that, i much prefer talking over texting.  it appears he doesn't feel the same way.

today, i was frustrated enough to send him a friend request on the social network.  what the hell, why not?  he hasn't responded, but i don't expect him to for awhile.  he says he's never on it.

he texted me tonight with a rundown of his day, though i was hoping for a phone call.  i admit - i got the text right away but didn't respond for about 20 minutes.  i was wondering whether i should respond at all.  i finally did but finished with,"too busy to talk, i guess?" the response came several minutes later with an apology (he was ironing and finishing lunches for tomorrow) and that he was exhausted.  he offered up tomorrow as a chance to chat and then asked whether i'd be free on Wednesday (we usually get together on Mondays or Tuesdays following his kid-weekend) because the mom had plans on the Friday.  I could only reply with "Wednesday works. Sleep well."  he will not find anything unusual about that response, i'm sure.

i want this relationship to work. these are the first real rumblings i've made so i can't expect things to change without talking about them.  but i have mentioned to him in the past that i prefer phone calls, and he still can't make time to make one 10 minute phone call to me at the end the night.  i always knew i would never hold the top place on his priority list but i hoped to crack the top 3 one day.  maybe not.

maybe it's just bad timing.  i understand that this might be all he can give me right now but unfortunately, it's no longer enough.  i don't need a lot more, but just enough to let me know that he's in this too.

i feel a letter coming on.

GF

i was just re-reading the last blog entry and am trying to remember when i actually wrote it.  it was posted in the new year, but i think i wrote it pre-new years.  so let me update you on what has happened since then.

new years eve, i met him downtown after work (i was still on holidays) and we wandered around looking for a place to have dinner.  we settled on a place in gastown and ordered a dinner consisting of appies (my favorite!).  he had three glasses of wine because we were taking the train back to my place anyway.  dinner was taken at a leisurely pace.  it was really nice, and i was quite relaxed, especially since the only communication i had with him that day was him asking me to buy fruit for the chocolate fondue he wanted to have at midnight.  honestly, the things he comes up with.

we rang in our first new years perfectly - with Dick Clark's Rockin' Eve on the TV, champagne in flutes and chocolate fondue with Kaluha bubbling in the pot.  my first new years' kiss in many a year.

cut to 3:30 a.m. i wake up and he's not beside me but the lights are on in the dining room.  he did say that while NYE was slow on the dating sites, NY day was a different story.  he wasn't kidding.  i heard him clicking away on his laptop, and i drifted back off to sleep.  at 4:30, he woke me up again and asked if he could borrow my car because he had to get home onto a real computer.

cut to 12:30 p.m. on new year's day.  he phones and has just woken up.  the problem on the site has been bandaged for now and we start making plans for the evening.  he relayed a funny story of him stalling my car just as he was pulling up to a roadblock.  he told me he rolled down the window, laughed and said to the officer, "i haven't been drinking - it's just my girlfriend's car!"  GF.  the word hung in the air and i don't think i recall anything else he said after that.

cut to 8:00 p.m. on new year's day.  we're finished dinner and chatting on the couch when he goes in to make a move. i stop him and say, "shouldn't we talk about the elephant in the room?" and he looks around playfully and says, "i don't see an elephant in here..." i push him away and say, "you used the "G" word earlier!" puzzled, I go on: "girlfriend!"  he laughed and said, "you've been thinking about this all day???"

and just like that, it appears i have a boyfriend.  and just like that, 50% of my anxiety falls away from me.  amazing how that works.  i do (FINALLY) bring up the problem of him being "online" and without hesitation, he offers to take his profile down and tells me that he doesn't ever go on anyway.  i beg to differ, citing instances when i'd checked (sporadically, of course) and he'd always had been online the day before or that morning.  he assured me that from a coding point of view, those "last online" times could not be relied upon.  another 10% of my anxiety falls away.

the next day, in the evening, i checked his profile but couldn't - it was gone.  bye bye, 25% of the remaining anxiety!

life has been good.  slow progress still and nothing is set in stone, but what it's been has been good.

domestication

here is a list of things that people normally do on dates that Sam and I have never done in the past 7 months:

• watched TV together
• gone bowling
• sat at a pub to watch a game
• house party with friends
• shot pool
• gone to a movie

yes, friends, Sam and I have finally done the one date-night thing that most people cover on the first or second date.  i think he got the idea of watching it from something i posted on Instagram.  George and I had an exchange about whether either of us had seen "American Hustle" yet and I mentioned that I wanted to see it.  cut to a day later and Sam and I are texting about what we should do on the weekend and he suggested a movie and the first one he suggests? you guessed it.

i often wonder why it took us nearly seven months to do the one activity that most people who are dating do so frequently.  and then i remember why:  pheromones.  gaddam he's irresistible, and this is coming from someone that used to find excuses not to get down and dirty.  i also suspect it is because he doesn't want to fall into the trap of domestication too fast.  after all, we are just "casual", remember?

my theory is that he doesn't like to be physically stationary, and therefore most of our date night activities have included being up and about somehow: art gallery, outdoor markets, cooking together, walking, even shopping.  going to watch a movie or even worse, staying home to watch TV or a movie would basically shove us into a "comfort" zone that maybe he doesn't want to be in.  it's funny because at first, all of our dates were "eating" dates, so we were either at restaurants or at either one of our apartments, cooking for the other.  i used to think that was because he didn't want to be seen in public with me - not so much ashamed of me or to be seen with me, but perhaps he didn't want to run into someone he knew and have to explain who i was.

now that we do most of our dates outside of our respective homes, of course i think he doesn't want to get too cozy and have me think that our relationship has progressed to more than what it actually is.  oh, how the mind works against us, eh?

no more drama

Sam dropped off his son and his ex at the airport this morning as they are headed east to visit her family for the holidays.  it occurred to me that right now, he is a single man with no ties for the next seven days.

he was out for drinks tonight with workmates as it was his partner's last day today.  he texted me at 6:30 to touch base and i replied with something funny.  he thought it was funny, anyway.  i then texted him at 9:30, just to see if he was home.  no response, and it's been over an hour.  the good news is he hasn't logged onto the dating website.  the bad news is he could be hooking up with someone from work as i type.  the only time he doesn't have his phone with him (at least, in my experiences with him) is when he is in flagrante.  my mind has been reeling ever since i came to this realization.

so here are the crazy thoughts i've had in the past hour:  he met someone at the restaurant and he took her home; he hooked up with a co-worker that he had a fling with when he was at the retreat at the beginning of the month; he met someone on the dating site and arranged to meet with her after drinks tonight and he's still with her; i should drive to his apartment and stalk his windows to see if there are any lights on (that was the worst thought, truly).

before i sat down to write this entry, i was puffing around the apartment, talking to the dogs (who else?) and asking them why it was so gaddam hard to just text me back with either a "working" or "still out, ttyl".  he doesn't leave me hanging often, but when he does, it's usually a long wait.  it then occurred to me, as i was talking it out to the dogs, that i am creating this drama in my head because i love(d) it.  i use to love the drama that went along with relationships - i think it made me feel like i was doing it right, because that's how it was in the movies and on TV.  but i know how much happier i am when i just avoid the drama all together.  no more drama.  and that's when i sat down at the computer to hash this out.

it is coming up to new years and come the end of next week, we'll have known each other 8 months (dating for 7, he'll say 4).  that's a long time.  but then again, it's not once you take into account how often we see each other.  

the last time we had a chat, i mentioned to him that new year's was my cut-off point and i jokingly said that after that, i'd basically just be stuck waiting for him to cut me loose because i'd be too far gone to do anything about it.  he laughed.  what's funny is that i was pretty serious.

this man is my Eliza Bennett - he has bewitched me, body and soul.  but for some reason, i can't seem to tell him that.  or show him.

he bought me a Christmas gift.  i haven't opened it yet because BabyMan shamed me into waiting until Sam and I saw each other again so we could open presents together.  Sam even urged me to open it when he gave it to me, citing the fact that i wouldn't be able to sleep knowing it was there and i insisted that i wanted something to open on Christmas day.  he didn't really resist, but thinking back on it, i think he wanted me to open it in front of him.  it's been that long since i've been in a relationship - it didn't even occur to me that opening our gifts together was an option.  i just figured i'd open it on Christmas day and text him my thanks.  WTF is wrong with me?  

ninety minutes later, and no text.  maybe he's sleeping.  he did have to drive to the airport at 6 am this morning.