one month

today it'll be one month since Sam and I "took a break".  admittedly, it's been getting easier every day to put the relationship in the past.  it is my insistence on hanging on to what was - by checking his Instagram feed or his Twitter feed - that is making it harder to move on.

on june 3rd, it would've been one year to the day we met for coffee.  prior to the break, i planned on IGing a photo or text tile that celebrated it.  and i still did it.  it was a text tile that basically said in this whole universe with everything in it, i had the privilege of meeting you.  and then i posted it on IG and Twitter, just to make sure he saw it.  later in the day, he tweeted a Dave Matthews song called "Hallowe'en" with the caption, "Crazy emotions today. The intensity of the bottom half makes my blood boil." i thought it might be sexual, but then i heard and read the lyrics to the DMB song and thought, "ok, maybe he hates me."

that night, i got home and checked his IG feed.  he had gone to the Starbucks we had first met at, taken a photo, and posted it on IG with the hashtag #oneyearago.  he may be more maudlin than me. it's a Cancer thing.

it's been a strange ride, these past few weeks.  he wanted to be able to stay in touch through texts or email, just to see how we were doing.  i said no - it defeated the purpose.  he seemed slightly disappointed but understood and said it made sense.  i have a feeling his previous relationship "breaks" included the occasional text, email or phone call, and maybe even booty call.  however, we have remained "friends" on social media  (FB, IG and T) and it has been hard, though deleting him from all of them would've been worse because i wouldn't have known what he was doing, which would've been worse. he said that, if things didn't end up working out between us, that he still wanted to be friends because he considered me a friend. that was comforting at the time, but now i wonder if it was just sentimentality talking. he's only sent me one email, but it was a group email to whoever that updated everyone on his new cell phone number. that's it. i'm sure he's been trying to let me know how he is and where he's at through his posts.  he has never posted as much on Twitter as he has in the past few weeks and a lot of his posts seem like ones he would've texted to me instead had we still been together.  so fucked up.

this is the second weekend that would've been "our" weekend that i haven't seen him.  my mind goes crazy at what, or who, he could be doing, but it's no longer my concern.  well, it's no longer my business and it shouldn't be my concern.  he hasn't updated anything on social media since yesterday morning so of course, my mind is every which way.  who's he with, what's he doing, what's he thinking? for all i know, it was a quiet evening that didn't involve anything but going for a swim, getting some dinner and reading his books.  or, he could've gone out with his female friend who i've always wondered why they never hooked up.  maybe they have now. or, he could've gone out with his new workmates given that last week, he was too sick to go out on friday and he had his kid anyway.  i shouldn't know this much stuff, but i do.  all because he offered it up to me on a platter known as a tweet.

his last IG post was a sign board in Yaletown that said something like, "Words to the wise are unnecessary.  It's the stupid people that need the advice." and his comment was "I feel this fits for me." his way of telling me he's still searching for answers?

i have given him (in my mind, obviously) until the end of the month to contact me.  that'll be six weeks and more than enough time to figure his shit out.  i know that i should've walked away from this the minute he ended it because, as my guy friends have pointed out to me in the past and present, no amount of shit from his past or present would stop him from being with you if he really wanted to be with you.  i believe that.  i just can't seem to stop hoping that i'm the exception.  i am not the exception. it's been my (sad) mantra for the past two weeks.  the good news is, i've been six days, tear-free.

it's a terrible thing, hope. it got me into this mess in the first place, kept me in it, and keeps me from walking away from it.  i was reading old blog entries from when i was with the Drama Queen seven years ago and they could've been written today.  why i don't ever seem to learn from my love mistakes is infuriating, but i realize that without my sense of hope, i wouldn't be me.  i'd probably be more emotionally stable and certainly not in the limbo i am now, but i'd be more cynical and more hardened and less open to what could be.  if there is anything that i've learned in the past few years it's that being open to things that come your way is the best way to live your life.  sure, it opens you up to heartache and uncertainty, but worrying about it doesn't add to the quality of your life either.  am i foolish for having hope about Sam?  yes, absolutely.  i'll be heartbroken all over again if he doesn't at least send me a FB greeting for my birthday.  but it doesn't mean that he won't come to his senses down the road.  it's just hard to think that we might be one of those couples that breaks up for 20 years and then gets back together when we're in our 70s.  ridiculous.  this whole thing is stupid.  i keep saying that because it is.  he just has to realize that i'm great for him. stupid man.  ;)