no more drama

Sam dropped off his son and his ex at the airport this morning as they are headed east to visit her family for the holidays.  it occurred to me that right now, he is a single man with no ties for the next seven days.

he was out for drinks tonight with workmates as it was his partner's last day today.  he texted me at 6:30 to touch base and i replied with something funny.  he thought it was funny, anyway.  i then texted him at 9:30, just to see if he was home.  no response, and it's been over an hour.  the good news is he hasn't logged onto the dating website.  the bad news is he could be hooking up with someone from work as i type.  the only time he doesn't have his phone with him (at least, in my experiences with him) is when he is in flagrante.  my mind has been reeling ever since i came to this realization.

so here are the crazy thoughts i've had in the past hour:  he met someone at the restaurant and he took her home; he hooked up with a co-worker that he had a fling with when he was at the retreat at the beginning of the month; he met someone on the dating site and arranged to meet with her after drinks tonight and he's still with her; i should drive to his apartment and stalk his windows to see if there are any lights on (that was the worst thought, truly).

before i sat down to write this entry, i was puffing around the apartment, talking to the dogs (who else?) and asking them why it was so gaddam hard to just text me back with either a "working" or "still out, ttyl".  he doesn't leave me hanging often, but when he does, it's usually a long wait.  it then occurred to me, as i was talking it out to the dogs, that i am creating this drama in my head because i love(d) it.  i use to love the drama that went along with relationships - i think it made me feel like i was doing it right, because that's how it was in the movies and on TV.  but i know how much happier i am when i just avoid the drama all together.  no more drama.  and that's when i sat down at the computer to hash this out.

it is coming up to new years and come the end of next week, we'll have known each other 8 months (dating for 7, he'll say 4).  that's a long time.  but then again, it's not once you take into account how often we see each other.  

the last time we had a chat, i mentioned to him that new year's was my cut-off point and i jokingly said that after that, i'd basically just be stuck waiting for him to cut me loose because i'd be too far gone to do anything about it.  he laughed.  what's funny is that i was pretty serious.

this man is my Eliza Bennett - he has bewitched me, body and soul.  but for some reason, i can't seem to tell him that.  or show him.

he bought me a Christmas gift.  i haven't opened it yet because BabyMan shamed me into waiting until Sam and I saw each other again so we could open presents together.  Sam even urged me to open it when he gave it to me, citing the fact that i wouldn't be able to sleep knowing it was there and i insisted that i wanted something to open on Christmas day.  he didn't really resist, but thinking back on it, i think he wanted me to open it in front of him.  it's been that long since i've been in a relationship - it didn't even occur to me that opening our gifts together was an option.  i just figured i'd open it on Christmas day and text him my thanks.  WTF is wrong with me?  

ninety minutes later, and no text.  maybe he's sleeping.  he did have to drive to the airport at 6 am this morning.

transitory

it occurred to me today that i may very well be Sam's transition-woman.  that's not a good thought to have, at least not for me.  i've been the transition-woman for at least three men that i've dated.  and when i say "transition-woman", i mean the woman that a guy dated, broke up with (or who I broke up with) and then ultimately went on to marry the next woman he met.

if i spin it positively, that means that i am the woman that makes these commitment-phobe men realize they have to step it up in relationships or they're getting left behind.

in the negative vein, it means that i haven't yet been considered marriage-material.

i don't actually see this too negatively.  and again, it's really only my twisted thoughts that brought this idea into my head. it's not that Sam makes me feel like i'm transitory, but i think it's because the nature of our relationship (how it came about and how it is progressing) feels tenuous.

i had a minor freak out again this weekend because Sam was barely in touch.  yes, he did have his son all weekend, but i had visions of him putting the boy to bed and then getting on the phone and chatting with women he met online, lining up dates for tonight because it is his first free night since last tuesday when i saw him last.  forget that he asked me for lunch today and that when i sat in front of him and talked to him for an hour, all of my doubts faded.

i suppose it doesn't help that his profile is still up and that he still goes online every now and again.  certainly not as frequently as he used to, but certainly not as infrequently as i'd like him to.  i may bring that up tomorrow, though how do you do that without sounding like a total controlling psycho?  "i've been keeping tabs on your online dating usage and it appears that you're logging on and checking your profile an average of once every other day.  what exactly are you looking for while you're on there?"  no, i don't think so.

i vacillate between thinking, "well, if it ends, then it was the best six months i've had in 13 years" and thinking, "oh, God, please don't let this end now.  i promise i'll try harder to be normal and stop questioning his actions so much."  i will find a happy medium.  but it has to be fast before he realizes that i'm a complete headcase.

maybe the Architect was right.  or maybe we're just all different levels of headcase and i'm just more aware of my level.

have i mentioned that Sam is amazing?  he is.  he's amazing.  sigh.