at least, that's what i'm trying to tell myself i am. it's almost as though my mind is thinking, "he's doing so many things that make it seem like he's settling down with you - he told you he's not seeing anyone else, he has started complimenting you more than he ever has before, he left a couple of things at your place over the weekend instead of taking them home with him...he's just trying to get you to feel comfortable so that you stop questioning his actual motives." which are what? i don't know.
i was so maudlin all day. all day! i vacillated between "i should just end it now" and "i should wait it out and see what happens". all.freaking.day. i questioned all of the little things that he's said that don't add up in my head (the whole Facebook thing - really? just family and old friends? are people you work with old friends?). i questioned whether he was telling the truth when he said he wasn't dating anyone else and wasn't looking (why is your profile still up then? and why do you still check it?) i questioned his real intentions for staying (his brother stayed in a relationship just for the sex - why would Sam be above it?). and then i read passages from my Mandy Hale and Jereme Ford books, encouraging me to be a strong woman and walk away from a situation that gave me pause. W.O.M.A.N.!
but, the other self-talk creeped in slowly: if he didn't like you, he wouldn't be with you. if it ends now, at least you had an amazing six months. better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. enjoy the experience instead of trying to analyze it. go with your gut instincts....except i think and overthink so much that i no longer know what my gut instinct is. i can't even sense which direction it's pointing in right now.
you know, when we had the Talk on saturday, he said again that he had dated a couple of crazies before me, but he didn't expect to meet someone like me. he told me everything he thought was amazing about me. a couple of days ago, he sent me a text in response to something i had written that said, "you are different than any other woman i've dated, that is for sure" and i'm pretty certain he meant it as a compliment.
i have decided myself to believe that good things are going to happen with us and if they don't, well then at least i had a great six months. remind me about this in four weeks when this thought process happens all over again (it will be year end, after all).
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Q&A
another Talk was had this past weekend. i was reminded of two things after it was over: 1) i need to ask more questions of him and; 2) he really is amazing.
i didn't intend of having the Talk with him, though we are reaching the end of the year which we all know is my natural expiry date for relationships. but, i have been bothered of late. we've had some great weekends and great evening dates, and everything feels like it's progressing naturally. yet, he still has an active profile and, although i don't think he checks it as often as he used to, he still checks it.
BabyMan said it was akin to him checking out some hot girl as she walked by. i disagreed. the real-time equivalent of Sam checking his online profile is him going to a bar by himself and checking out hot girls. he may not have any intention of messaging anyone (or picking anyone up in the bar example), but the intention behind the action is to see what else is out there.
i often wonder when these talks have come up whether he steers the conversation towards the subject to allow me to bring up whatever it is that has been bothering me. he isn't the typical male - i.e. he gets that i need to talk about it and is perfectly willing to talk about it - so i wouldn't put it past him. plus, it helps that i often post stuff on my social media accounts that point to what is bothering me.
i apologize if this post is all over the place but that is where my mind is right now. for example, i keep wondering why it's so difficult for me to just ask him questions. i find it so hard and he knows that he unnerves me. i just don't understand why. i must really like him if i turn into a 13 year old girl when i'm around him.
anyway, i learned a few things that i probably should've learned about weeks ago if i were a normal person in a normal relationship. first, there is a divorce in the works (hurrah!). second, people in his family know i exist. third, his ex has a boyfriend and she's introduced their son to the boyfriend already (already? wow.). fourth, he's open to meeting my friends. fifth, he confirmed that he is still not dating anyone else. sixth, he thinks i am a great catch (my interpretation of what he said, of course) and he really didn't expect to meet someone like me. here are the questions i should've asked when this information was coming up: who started the divorce proceedings? when do i get to meet your friends? what do you want from me going forward? what exactly is it that you're waiting for? why is your freaking profile still online? and why do you still check it??? he also thought that our relationship as it is now really only got started in September - the months previous were basically just dates, even though we were sleeping together (huh?). actually, i understand what he's saying, but i still don't buy it.
anyway, none of the aforementioned questions came out of my mouth. there was a lot of hand-gesturing, half-sentences and exasperated expressions, all on my part. basically, he knows that i'm near my relationship-breaking point and he said, if I remember correctly, that when i got to that point, to just talk to him and we would work something out. at the time, it sounded really sensitive and understanding. now, all i think is, "WTF would i talk to you about it then? why can't we just deal with it now??"
in hindsight, it was a weird thing to say. basically, it sounds to me like he's not willing to really discuss any kind of serious relationship, unless i'm ready to walk away. then he'll consider it. but shouldn't i be insulted that he wouldn't consider it before then?
therein lies my problem - i have been inundated by all of this "single, empowered woman" stuff when really, i just need to listen to my heart. my head is telling me to walk away and turn back only if he follows. but my heart keeps telling me to stick it out just a little while longer and maybe he'll come around sooner rather than later.
i am absolutely willing to wait - but he has to take down his profile first. W.T.F. is wrong with him? or should i be asking what is wrong with me?
i didn't intend of having the Talk with him, though we are reaching the end of the year which we all know is my natural expiry date for relationships. but, i have been bothered of late. we've had some great weekends and great evening dates, and everything feels like it's progressing naturally. yet, he still has an active profile and, although i don't think he checks it as often as he used to, he still checks it.
BabyMan said it was akin to him checking out some hot girl as she walked by. i disagreed. the real-time equivalent of Sam checking his online profile is him going to a bar by himself and checking out hot girls. he may not have any intention of messaging anyone (or picking anyone up in the bar example), but the intention behind the action is to see what else is out there.
i often wonder when these talks have come up whether he steers the conversation towards the subject to allow me to bring up whatever it is that has been bothering me. he isn't the typical male - i.e. he gets that i need to talk about it and is perfectly willing to talk about it - so i wouldn't put it past him. plus, it helps that i often post stuff on my social media accounts that point to what is bothering me.
i apologize if this post is all over the place but that is where my mind is right now. for example, i keep wondering why it's so difficult for me to just ask him questions. i find it so hard and he knows that he unnerves me. i just don't understand why. i must really like him if i turn into a 13 year old girl when i'm around him.
anyway, i learned a few things that i probably should've learned about weeks ago if i were a normal person in a normal relationship. first, there is a divorce in the works (hurrah!). second, people in his family know i exist. third, his ex has a boyfriend and she's introduced their son to the boyfriend already (already? wow.). fourth, he's open to meeting my friends. fifth, he confirmed that he is still not dating anyone else. sixth, he thinks i am a great catch (my interpretation of what he said, of course) and he really didn't expect to meet someone like me. here are the questions i should've asked when this information was coming up: who started the divorce proceedings? when do i get to meet your friends? what do you want from me going forward? what exactly is it that you're waiting for? why is your freaking profile still online? and why do you still check it??? he also thought that our relationship as it is now really only got started in September - the months previous were basically just dates, even though we were sleeping together (huh?). actually, i understand what he's saying, but i still don't buy it.
anyway, none of the aforementioned questions came out of my mouth. there was a lot of hand-gesturing, half-sentences and exasperated expressions, all on my part. basically, he knows that i'm near my relationship-breaking point and he said, if I remember correctly, that when i got to that point, to just talk to him and we would work something out. at the time, it sounded really sensitive and understanding. now, all i think is, "WTF would i talk to you about it then? why can't we just deal with it now??"
in hindsight, it was a weird thing to say. basically, it sounds to me like he's not willing to really discuss any kind of serious relationship, unless i'm ready to walk away. then he'll consider it. but shouldn't i be insulted that he wouldn't consider it before then?
therein lies my problem - i have been inundated by all of this "single, empowered woman" stuff when really, i just need to listen to my heart. my head is telling me to walk away and turn back only if he follows. but my heart keeps telling me to stick it out just a little while longer and maybe he'll come around sooner rather than later.
i am absolutely willing to wait - but he has to take down his profile first. W.T.F. is wrong with him? or should i be asking what is wrong with me?
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