saboteur

i can't help myself.  just when i'm feeling good about the way things are going with Sam, feeling more secure, feeling more connected, i have to go and make mountains out of pebbles.  i had two great days with him - a wonderful date on Tuesday night and then he surprised me with lunch on Wednesday.

i sent a text today that i shouldn't have, at least not in the mood i sent it in.  i shared something trivial about my day, asked him how his day was and then said, "So, anyone interesting on OKC today? ;)"  and i sent it because not five minutes before, he was showing online.

i know, i know.  we are not in a committed relationship and i know that's not what he wanted from the beginning.  it was terribly foolish to think that i could exist in my version of our relationship while he existed in his.

he hasn't answered me back.  i'm hoping he's just going to ignore the dig (or maybe he doesn't think it's a dig at all) and life will return to normal.

i think it has more to do with me not quite believing i deserve something great rather than me believing that he should be with me.  i do think that, but i have to believe in myself too.

some days are harder than others and when i'm under so much stress with work and school, sometimes i find stupid outlets.  this was one of them.

damn it.

bizarre

let me just re-cap my day for you:

work was busy.  i am still struggling with this stupid document database that doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me but somehow, they think that because i'm so smart at other things, i'll pick this up no problem.  don't worry about the fact that i'm still doing my job and someone else's, and trying not to miss any important deadlines while doing either.

then, for whatever reason, my rationale and logic go completely squirrelly and i start to freak out internally about Sam.  he check his profile three times today, which is more often than he's checked it in as many weeks.  i know he's got his kid with him today so it's not like he's going out after work on a date.  but why? why check it?  and why three times in a day??  must be communicating with someone interesting, right?  i sent a text that hinted at that and he didn't respond.  so i continued to freak out throughout the day.  excellent.

then, just as i'm hitting my emotional threshold, the Ex messages me on Twitter, seemingly innocuously but then drops the bomb that his wife (you know, the one who basically tried to subvert my relationship with him when they first met, and who he eventually married) asked him to ask me whether i want to be the third wheel in their little wheelbarrow of love.  W.T.F.  so, given that my brain was already going haywire, i laid into him (no pun intended...not really, anyway) and poured on the mellow drama.  something syrupy and 90210-esque about asking me to hook up with the last guy i ever truly loved and the woman he chose over me (i know - so bad, so overdramatic).  he apologized profusely and said he never meant to bring up old feelings and that a little bit of fun wasn't worth risking hurting me.  as i wrote it, i felt ridiculous but it was just that kind of day.

and then, to top it all off, as i get off the train and i'm making my way home, the skies open up and the thunderstorm starts.  wunderbar.  by the time i got home, i shrank to the floor, dogs jumping around on the floor in excitement of my arrival and me in tears.  i cried.  i cried at how silly i felt for being so weak.  i haven't read all these self-help and empowerment books only to fall apart over perceived slights.  ridiculous.

yet, i'm exhausted mentally.  Sam texted me the minute the storm started so it's not like he wasn't thinking about me. and the Ex and i ended our strange exchange on a good note - i was feeling raw and honest so i told him how much i missed talking to him and that us as friends was something really good.  he agreed and said he missed talking to me too and he's thought about me a lot over the years and he still cares SO much for me (he put SO in capitals, so you KNOW it's sincere). 

sleep, take me now.