laptype

over the holidays, and because i was once again too lazy to go out to the store to avail of boxing day sales, i went online and finally bought a laptop. i am typing on it as...i type.

i bought it for a number of useful reasons. first, i thought it would encourage me to write more - blog, journal, novel, anything. second, i figured it would be useful for school to take notes and such. third, i want Netflix and a laptop seemed to be the best way to use it. perhaps the third reason isn't the best, but hey, i spent $300 on this laptop. a friend of mine just spent $800 on bras at Dianes. She needs them, but still, that's a hella lot a money for five bras.

i digress.

so, wednesday was my first day of class and i was too lazy to bring this thing to work. turns out i don't really need it as the number of instances of "group work" and "talk this over with your neighbour" outweigh any instances of lengthy oration by the prof.

as for writing, this is my first attempt at writing something. the keyboard is driving me nuts. i'm used to the ergonomic ones.

and Netflix? i'm trying to stream Tuesday's ep of Glee on this thing and the starting and stopping is making me crazy.

i have a feeling i just bought a $300 paperweight. but i do feel a little like Carrie Bradshaw right now, what with the light of the screen being the only illumination as i type my thoughts while i sit in bed.

maybe this is the motivation i need to start writing regularly again. goodness knows i need a distraction. or is my feeling that i'm too busy to write just an easy excuse so that i don't have to write? time will tell. and hopefully it will tell sooner rather than later, and more often.

Hello 2012

i was just re-reading a post from last year around this time that said that a lot of people felt 2010 was a really tough year, but that i didn't really get that. well, thank you, goldfish memory, because 2011 was exactly the same as last year. people said it sucked, but i don't really remember it being that bad.

this year's revelation seems to be related to my feelings or rather, lack thereof. it occurred to me today that i hang on to feelings for people or things or situations, long after i really should (or perhaps would normally) let go of them, not because i don't know that it's bad for me but more because if i don't feel those bad feelings, then i won't feel anything at all.

i can't remember where i saw it or what it was for, but i recall seeing a choice between "feeling too much" and "feeling nothing". i remember choosing "feeling too much" over "feeling nothing", because feeling nothing is awful. it occurs to me now that when i'm not pining or mopey or angry or hurt or ecstatic (all to do with a guy-du-jour, of course), i don't really feel anything at all. i don't feel overly happy or overly sad. i feel completely rational (maybe too rational) and worse, detached from everyone around me. like if they didn't exist, it wouldn't make a difference to me.

i know that when i'm feeling too much, i wish i couldn't feel anything at all. but when i'm feeling rational and "sane", i know that feeling more is so much better than feeling less. i must be tipping towards the "too much" side of the fence because the rational-me wouldn't care about this choice, one way or the other.

how's that for a new year's revelation?