i sit here, at my desktop computer, surrounded by paper and paper and more paper. paper that needs to be filed; paper that needs to be recycled. paper that i probably won't ever look at again and yet somehow, i still think i need it around.
one of those papers is a crafty project idea that i cut out of the daily paper. it's how to make a silhouette image of your pet and hang it up. i have the dogs' photos ready to go. i don't even need to print them out in color - i just need to print them out and trace them onto black construction paper and stick them in frames. voila! have i done it? no. maybe at Christmas when i have more than just the weekend.
when i look out into my dining area, i see my laptop and the binder full of my workshop material that i really, really, really must take notes on so that i don't feel like a complete fraud when i lead a legal writing workshop (for junior associates and support staff) in less than three weeks.
i heard the dryer buzzer go off an hour ago, knowing full well there is another load to go in once that one is done.
i some how can't convince myself to do anything productive today. i am still in my lounging clothes. i figure i'll take a shower when i can't put it off any longer. i don't want to feel dirty and gross when i meet the girls for dinner tonight.
i suppose it's because i know i have an extra day to do my usual stuff that i feel like i can completely sloth out today. i don't even want to watch TV. i just want to sit and surf endlessly on the internet. write emails to far-away friends? work on my script for the promo video? read one of the dozens of books that sit dusty on my bookshelf? exercise?
later, i want to read this other article about selena gomez and justin bieber's breakup.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Saturday, August 25, 2012
mirror
God help me but I was watching "Tough Love Miami" this morning, after discovering that I have way more cable channels than I initially thought (I've only had digital TV for the past 8 months). Normally, I don't like reality "dating" shows (The Bachelor/ette, Love in the Wild, I can't even name anymore because I don't know what they are) because they pit men or women up against each other to vie for one person's attention. It usually leads to dramatics and crazy antics of each contestant to get the attention of their besotted.
Tough Love Miami is a dating show, but from what I can tell, no one gets voted off and there is no date-swapping. Each woman gets matched with a guy by a professional matchmaker, and they go on date after date with the same guy. After each date, the guy is interviewed about how he thought the date went and each woman is grilled on what they did wrong or praised for what they did corretly. The matchmaker also gives the woman assignments and pointers on what to do or say on the date (essentially, teaching them how to date properly). I like this idea, because it gives each woman the opportunity to make themselves better. Don't get me wrong - there was a lot of drama on the one-hour episode I just watched, but it all stems from the women themselves, what baggage they bring to the table and how they choose to deal with it.
Anyway, this post isn't about the show itself, but what the matchmaker said to one woman on the show that got me thinking (and hence, got me writing). He accused one woman for calling everyone's bullshit but not owning up to her own. Bravo, Matchmaker Steve, I thought.
My thought process then graduated to how closed-minded some people were and how I always tried to be open minded and non-judgmental. And then I laughed internally and thought, "Well, I am judgmental, but I know it. I could stop being judgmental whenever I want to." I reasoned with myself that I only think judgmental thoughst, but I don't say them out loud. Some people might say that's good - that as long as you don't say it and poison the atmosphere with your negativity, that's good for the world.
Then I wondered if saying something aloud that was not nice or mean or negative was bad for the Universe as a whole (if you subscribe do that way of thinking, as I do), then how much worse is it to keep those negative thoughts and emotions inside, effectively poisoning you from the inside and holding it there?
I'm not advocating speaking negatively so that you can keep yourself pure. On the contrary, I am questioning why...WHY?...I feel the need to be negative and/or judgmental about other people.
Yes, sometimes it just feels good to complain. Sometimes, it just feels good to pick apart someone's carefully (or not so carefully) pieced-together facade so I can feel (or think I feel) better about myself.
That brought me to another saying, that basically says that what you see negatively about other people is really what you see negatively about yourself. That your own insecurities are mirrored in what you criticize in other people.
And then it hit me, the cold, hard reality - I always criticize people for not being open-minded and accepting. For not recognizing their faults and either fixing them or accepting them for what they are. For trying to be someone they are not. For putting too much stock in other peoples' opinions and not accepting their own as valid and most important.
I remember how I felt the day after my 30th birthday as clearly as if it were this morning - I looked in the mirror and felt more wise and knowing than I had ever felt. A whole world of knowledge opened up to me in that one moment and I felt like I finally understood the secrets of the world. Six years later and I look back at that 30 year old me and think, "Good lord, you know nothing still!"
I feel today, right now, that I will never stop learning, never stop growing, never stop evolving as a person. If I ever I feel that I do, remind me to look back on this entry to remind myself that I am being foolish. Socrates was spot on when he opined that the only true wisdom is knowing that you know nothing.
If I may bastardize the words of another historical figure, if self-awareness be the education of life, then learn on!
Tough Love Miami is a dating show, but from what I can tell, no one gets voted off and there is no date-swapping. Each woman gets matched with a guy by a professional matchmaker, and they go on date after date with the same guy. After each date, the guy is interviewed about how he thought the date went and each woman is grilled on what they did wrong or praised for what they did corretly. The matchmaker also gives the woman assignments and pointers on what to do or say on the date (essentially, teaching them how to date properly). I like this idea, because it gives each woman the opportunity to make themselves better. Don't get me wrong - there was a lot of drama on the one-hour episode I just watched, but it all stems from the women themselves, what baggage they bring to the table and how they choose to deal with it.
Anyway, this post isn't about the show itself, but what the matchmaker said to one woman on the show that got me thinking (and hence, got me writing). He accused one woman for calling everyone's bullshit but not owning up to her own. Bravo, Matchmaker Steve, I thought.
My thought process then graduated to how closed-minded some people were and how I always tried to be open minded and non-judgmental. And then I laughed internally and thought, "Well, I am judgmental, but I know it. I could stop being judgmental whenever I want to." I reasoned with myself that I only think judgmental thoughst, but I don't say them out loud. Some people might say that's good - that as long as you don't say it and poison the atmosphere with your negativity, that's good for the world.
Then I wondered if saying something aloud that was not nice or mean or negative was bad for the Universe as a whole (if you subscribe do that way of thinking, as I do), then how much worse is it to keep those negative thoughts and emotions inside, effectively poisoning you from the inside and holding it there?
I'm not advocating speaking negatively so that you can keep yourself pure. On the contrary, I am questioning why...WHY?...I feel the need to be negative and/or judgmental about other people.
Yes, sometimes it just feels good to complain. Sometimes, it just feels good to pick apart someone's carefully (or not so carefully) pieced-together facade so I can feel (or think I feel) better about myself.
That brought me to another saying, that basically says that what you see negatively about other people is really what you see negatively about yourself. That your own insecurities are mirrored in what you criticize in other people.
And then it hit me, the cold, hard reality - I always criticize people for not being open-minded and accepting. For not recognizing their faults and either fixing them or accepting them for what they are. For trying to be someone they are not. For putting too much stock in other peoples' opinions and not accepting their own as valid and most important.
I remember how I felt the day after my 30th birthday as clearly as if it were this morning - I looked in the mirror and felt more wise and knowing than I had ever felt. A whole world of knowledge opened up to me in that one moment and I felt like I finally understood the secrets of the world. Six years later and I look back at that 30 year old me and think, "Good lord, you know nothing still!"
I feel today, right now, that I will never stop learning, never stop growing, never stop evolving as a person. If I ever I feel that I do, remind me to look back on this entry to remind myself that I am being foolish. Socrates was spot on when he opined that the only true wisdom is knowing that you know nothing.
If I may bastardize the words of another historical figure, if self-awareness be the education of life, then learn on!
Sunday, February 12, 2012
less
i turned off my desktop computer this morning. not because i decided that the laptop was the way to go but more because i wanted to not be on the computer all day. why, you wonder?
i'd like to say it's because i wanted to spend more quality time with my dogs. or i'd like to say that i wanted to try to wean myself off social media by not being online and in front of the computer for 80% of my weekends. and i could say those two things - to a point.
the reason i wanted to be off my computer is so i could rest my arms. specifically, my elbow. i have tendonitis. i feel like i'm 90 years old.
to be fair, the pain started when i bought my new hair dryer. it's one of those Conair, ceramic, negative-ion hairdryers. i knew i should've stopped using it when my elbow started to hurt but i was getting so many compliments on my hair, i felt i could power through the pain. i wish i were kidding.
now, i have been banned from participating in any racquet sports (so much for taking up squash in the winter) and it hurts to type. even when i stretch every 30 minutes. i am wondering how this will affect my long-term future, career-wise. semi-seriously.
i don't mind getting old in the number-sense or even in the experience-sense. but physically, it sucks.
i have to admit, though, that i didn't use the mouse all day and as a result, my elbow felt pretty good. until now, that is.
excuse me - i need to stretch. sigh.
i'd like to say it's because i wanted to spend more quality time with my dogs. or i'd like to say that i wanted to try to wean myself off social media by not being online and in front of the computer for 80% of my weekends. and i could say those two things - to a point.
the reason i wanted to be off my computer is so i could rest my arms. specifically, my elbow. i have tendonitis. i feel like i'm 90 years old.
to be fair, the pain started when i bought my new hair dryer. it's one of those Conair, ceramic, negative-ion hairdryers. i knew i should've stopped using it when my elbow started to hurt but i was getting so many compliments on my hair, i felt i could power through the pain. i wish i were kidding.
now, i have been banned from participating in any racquet sports (so much for taking up squash in the winter) and it hurts to type. even when i stretch every 30 minutes. i am wondering how this will affect my long-term future, career-wise. semi-seriously.
i don't mind getting old in the number-sense or even in the experience-sense. but physically, it sucks.
i have to admit, though, that i didn't use the mouse all day and as a result, my elbow felt pretty good. until now, that is.
excuse me - i need to stretch. sigh.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
laptype
over the holidays, and because i was once again too lazy to go out to the store to avail of boxing day sales, i went online and finally bought a laptop. i am typing on it as...i type.
i bought it for a number of useful reasons. first, i thought it would encourage me to write more - blog, journal, novel, anything. second, i figured it would be useful for school to take notes and such. third, i want Netflix and a laptop seemed to be the best way to use it. perhaps the third reason isn't the best, but hey, i spent $300 on this laptop. a friend of mine just spent $800 on bras at Dianes. She needs them, but still, that's a hella lot a money for five bras.
i digress.
so, wednesday was my first day of class and i was too lazy to bring this thing to work. turns out i don't really need it as the number of instances of "group work" and "talk this over with your neighbour" outweigh any instances of lengthy oration by the prof.
as for writing, this is my first attempt at writing something. the keyboard is driving me nuts. i'm used to the ergonomic ones.
and Netflix? i'm trying to stream Tuesday's ep of Glee on this thing and the starting and stopping is making me crazy.
i have a feeling i just bought a $300 paperweight. but i do feel a little like Carrie Bradshaw right now, what with the light of the screen being the only illumination as i type my thoughts while i sit in bed.
maybe this is the motivation i need to start writing regularly again. goodness knows i need a distraction. or is my feeling that i'm too busy to write just an easy excuse so that i don't have to write? time will tell. and hopefully it will tell sooner rather than later, and more often.
i bought it for a number of useful reasons. first, i thought it would encourage me to write more - blog, journal, novel, anything. second, i figured it would be useful for school to take notes and such. third, i want Netflix and a laptop seemed to be the best way to use it. perhaps the third reason isn't the best, but hey, i spent $300 on this laptop. a friend of mine just spent $800 on bras at Dianes. She needs them, but still, that's a hella lot a money for five bras.
i digress.
so, wednesday was my first day of class and i was too lazy to bring this thing to work. turns out i don't really need it as the number of instances of "group work" and "talk this over with your neighbour" outweigh any instances of lengthy oration by the prof.
as for writing, this is my first attempt at writing something. the keyboard is driving me nuts. i'm used to the ergonomic ones.
and Netflix? i'm trying to stream Tuesday's ep of Glee on this thing and the starting and stopping is making me crazy.
i have a feeling i just bought a $300 paperweight. but i do feel a little like Carrie Bradshaw right now, what with the light of the screen being the only illumination as i type my thoughts while i sit in bed.
maybe this is the motivation i need to start writing regularly again. goodness knows i need a distraction. or is my feeling that i'm too busy to write just an easy excuse so that i don't have to write? time will tell. and hopefully it will tell sooner rather than later, and more often.
Sunday, January 01, 2012
Hello 2012
i was just re-reading a post from last year around this time that said that a lot of people felt 2010 was a really tough year, but that i didn't really get that. well, thank you, goldfish memory, because 2011 was exactly the same as last year. people said it sucked, but i don't really remember it being that bad.
this year's revelation seems to be related to my feelings or rather, lack thereof. it occurred to me today that i hang on to feelings for people or things or situations, long after i really should (or perhaps would normally) let go of them, not because i don't know that it's bad for me but more because if i don't feel those bad feelings, then i won't feel anything at all.
i can't remember where i saw it or what it was for, but i recall seeing a choice between "feeling too much" and "feeling nothing". i remember choosing "feeling too much" over "feeling nothing", because feeling nothing is awful. it occurs to me now that when i'm not pining or mopey or angry or hurt or ecstatic (all to do with a guy-du-jour, of course), i don't really feel anything at all. i don't feel overly happy or overly sad. i feel completely rational (maybe too rational) and worse, detached from everyone around me. like if they didn't exist, it wouldn't make a difference to me.
i know that when i'm feeling too much, i wish i couldn't feel anything at all. but when i'm feeling rational and "sane", i know that feeling more is so much better than feeling less. i must be tipping towards the "too much" side of the fence because the rational-me wouldn't care about this choice, one way or the other.
how's that for a new year's revelation?
this year's revelation seems to be related to my feelings or rather, lack thereof. it occurred to me today that i hang on to feelings for people or things or situations, long after i really should (or perhaps would normally) let go of them, not because i don't know that it's bad for me but more because if i don't feel those bad feelings, then i won't feel anything at all.
i can't remember where i saw it or what it was for, but i recall seeing a choice between "feeling too much" and "feeling nothing". i remember choosing "feeling too much" over "feeling nothing", because feeling nothing is awful. it occurs to me now that when i'm not pining or mopey or angry or hurt or ecstatic (all to do with a guy-du-jour, of course), i don't really feel anything at all. i don't feel overly happy or overly sad. i feel completely rational (maybe too rational) and worse, detached from everyone around me. like if they didn't exist, it wouldn't make a difference to me.
i know that when i'm feeling too much, i wish i couldn't feel anything at all. but when i'm feeling rational and "sane", i know that feeling more is so much better than feeling less. i must be tipping towards the "too much" side of the fence because the rational-me wouldn't care about this choice, one way or the other.
how's that for a new year's revelation?
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