filter

as i get older, larger holes appear in the filter on my mouth that prevents things that i will regret saying from coming out.

Crush's first day back from his training course was today. i'll admit - i was excited but trying to be cool and aloof. by 8:45 he was at my desk for a candy. the first thing he said was, "Exams suck." i asked him how things went and he repeated his initial statement. i then decided to up the teasing and asked him whether he had to take any of the remedial classes.

he smiled and said, "not for a couple of weeks, anyway." and then went on to say how stressful it was to be waiting for his marks to find out whether he passed. and this is when it all flashed before me - that little being that sits on your shoulder (or, in this specific instance, the little being that was perched atop his shaved, pre-maturely bald head) and whispers, "no, don't say that. don't...wait, don't!" as i was saying it, i knew i shouldn't, but i did anyway:

"well, at least you can't lose anymore hair." oh.no.you.did.nt.

he smiled (only slightly) and said, "ouch." i relayed the story to BabyMan, who promptly shook his bowed head and said, "no, no! you're supposed to be showering him with compliments and blinking a lot!"

despite the slight, Crush still came to see me twice afterwards - once when he came back to the office on a lunch break and once after he returned from court for the day. he couldn't have been that offended. but i am placing the filter on hypersort for the next little while, anyway.

food

the thing about eating healthier? all i think about is food.

on thursday, day six of my staycation and for the SECOND time in six days, i ate an entire bag of old dutch ketchup chips (the 225 g bag) in one sitting. two things occurred to me, as i licked that delicious, tangy, red chemical-seasoning off my fingers:

a) i am obviously having some undiscovered issues that i'm dealing with by eating; and
b) it's time to start being accountable for my eating habits again.

so, i counted my calories for thursday and did the initial weigh-in and measurements. i've gained 7 lbs since january, although my measurements haven't changed too much.

i've been pretty good about not bingeing, although that half-eaten bag of ketchup chips that still in the cupboard was calling me today. i staved off the craving by munching on chocolate-covered macadamia nuts (only 4 - that's 98 calories - oh, god, i'm becoming one of Those People).

i've also been doing TV exercises - a mixed-bag of weights, yoga, cardio and boxing. not all at the same time.

all i really want to do is melt off some of the fat i've gained in the mid-section. the reason i got the stupid navel ring was so that i could keep myself in check. after all, a navel ring isn't sexy if it's trapped in between layers of stomach fat. oh, i just shuddered at the mental picture.

my other motivation? the sexy dress i got for the Christmas party this year. it'll be hard to act like Crush should be eating his heart out when i'm too busy eating everyone's leftovers and wishing i had worn a empire-waist dress instead of a sheath cut.

time to count today's TCI.

ire

i have this week off. when i was chatting with Bertrand at after work drinks on friday and mentioned i took this week off, he said, "of course you do. there's a stat holiday right in the middle." it's sweet he remembers my penchant for taking holidays around stat holidays so i get more bang for my buck, so to speak.

my plan this week was to get out and be a tourist in my own town and maybe do a day trip to another town here and there. i was going to see the botanical gardens at UBC, visit the suspension bridge, check out the exhibit at the museum, get a mani/pedi. so far, i went shopping at bellis and that's about it. my secondary plan, should the weather not cooperate, was to finally clean out the den and toss/recycle/donate a bunch of stuff. so far, i've managed to vet my closet, but i've been doing that slowly over the past few months. i took four huge bags of clothes to drop off at the donation bin and i still have a closet and drawers full of stuff.

my den. oh my den. when i look at it, i can see that it's easy enough to just put stuff away where it's supposed to be, or put stuff in storage. i know the desk needs to be cleaned and things need to be thrown away. i've already determined i'm going to donate a lot of my text books (novels) that i've been holding onto so that when i finally have bookshelves, i can line them with books that make me look smarter than i am (they're all paperbacks anyway. that doesn't say smart.). i was even smart enough not to think i'd even get to painting it (i'm hoping that gets done during my two weeks off at Christmas and new years). so what am i doing, blogging about it?

i'm not angry enough to throw anything out. i need to be upset or angry or feel hopeless about something. then i don't hesitate. everything just gets tossed out and i never think about it again (except my old cassette tapes. i just saw something on etsy.com where a girl re-fashions cassette tape cases into business card holders. i could do that for my desk!). right now, i'm feeling good and relaxed which means when i try to clean, i just look at stuff and reminisce. instead of tossing out clothes, i try them on and either think about how the me now measures up (literally and figuratively) to the me when i bought it the first time or i try to think of ways to refashion it so i can use it now. then i start trying on outfits and all of a sudden, three hours have passed and all i've done is parade around in high heels and an array of old clothes that should be donated but "i could still wear". yes, i could still wear it, but why would i when i can just go out and buy new things?

so then i think i should put on some good music to motivate me, but then i spend an hour doing bad mariah carey impressions (think finger to one ear and a waving stop with the other) and re-living my bar star days with the one-person dance party.

as you can tell, i'm procrastinating.

games

if i had to base my future interactions with men on what i've read on askmen.com, i'd be screwed. everything i've read on that site so far is exactly the opposite of what i've been lead to believe. by whom, i can't remember.

i was reading a couple of the "Top 10" lists on the site, both having to do with how guys should meet women or get a woman to notice him. the lists encouraged men to try to stand out from the crowd, but they also encouraged them to not show they were too interested. "it's even more important to give the impression you're too busy to even care if she (texts) you back. Plus, when you lie back and stay cool, she’ll assume you're busy with other women."

they want to drive us crazy! they're not just being thoughtless guys; they're playing the game! now, granted, some guys really are just thoughtless guys, but this site, these lists, these advice columns written by guys for guys, are all throwing everything i thought true about men and relationships in the toilet.

this requires a complete overhaul of my game plan, for Crush and in general. it turns out that men actually may be thinking about the whole process of dating more than i thought.

oh the humanity!

four-leaf jasmine?

i am lucky. i usually get pretty darn good parking spaces. i always seem to find great deals on clothes and shoes. i manage to make the best out of f-ups i make at work and in fact, make it look like i pulled a rabbit out of the proverbial hat at the last minute. i was always a "B" student, regardless of how hard, or how little, i tried at school. things have generally come easy for me, and i'm thankful for that.

but i think my luck has run out. this past weekend, i had to trim down my beloved jasmine plant yet again. i went 10 days without watering it, which is not something i've never done before. sometimes i overwater and that's not good for her either. but this time, for some reason, she decided she wasn't going to make it easy for me to revive her.

she's trimmed to the bare twigs and it's not looking promising. the bottom twigs are brown, not green, so those are basically just tubes for transporting nutrients further up the way. but there isn't a lot of green to be seen right now, and i don't think the tide will turn in my favour.

it was a $7.00 plant - i got it at home depot on the clearance rack. it was just a small plant, but it managed to bloom again this summer, there was an abundance of the fragrant, little white flowers this summer. that might be the last for awhile.

just a reminder that i should never just rely on my luck to get me by in life - that life requires active participation and nurturing in order to flourish. as far as reminders go, i think i'd rather lose a plant than lose something else.