the gigolo

why i'm upset about this, i don't know. it may be some real insight into my twisted psyche.

a couple of weeks ago, i got a message on the dating website i'm on from this smokin' hot guy. smokin' freakin' hot. hawt. and he told me he thought i was hot and came right out and told me he'd like to pleasure me. no apologies. he gave me his msn address (iscrew@domain.com - and he was serious) and said we should chat. he said he could come to my place or he would "host"at a nice hotel downtown (hence, the Gigolo moniker i've given him). his profile was bare-bones - one or two interests listed and a couple of sentences to list what he was looking for. i'll admit it. i bit. sort of.

i sent him an email that said that i was oh, so tempted because he was so fantastically hot, but that i was sure he had made the offer to other people already, so have fun.

he immediately sent me another email with his "real" msn. so i added him. we chatted once and to be honest, he came across as intelligent and nice. Moderately horny, but he didn't push the issue either. i was intrigued.

yesterday, Mon and i were talking about our matches on the site and we were talking about how we hate it when guys post gratuitous ab shots. then she starts telling me about this guy who emailed her and they had a brief exchange and then he blocked her for saying something he thought was stupid. she described him and i immediately thought it was the Gigolo.

today, we had a minute and she showed me his email. it was him. it was the Gigolo. but under a different profile. WTF! what a shyster! i read what his first email to her was and it was something to the effect of, "I was so intrigued by your smile, I had to write you." nothing, not one hint of anything sexual. it was just a normal email. i was stymied. he had even given her his "real" email address.

what was his motivation? i didn't understand but i wasn't too bothered. until now.

i just had a minute to read his "other" profile - it listed about 30 different interests and it had a funny "point" list of things he gaves points for and things he took points away for. i got 48 points, by the way. based on this profile, he seems like a great guy. i would have definitely messaged him with the profile alone (okay, the fact that he's uber-hot does help a bit).

so, why didn't he message me under his PG profile? why do i get dirty-Gigolo instead of the Boy Nextdoor?

the other side to this story? i met him online six (count 'em) years ago when he messaged me for the same thing. the odd part? i kept the photos he sent me because i was so intrigued by him then. what are the odds that we would meet again on a different site, six years later? what are the odds that he would proposition me again?

and here i go again, looking for oddities in the situation that will make me stand out from everyone else. what is wrong with me? the guy is so obviously a player, it shouldn't bother me that he didn't offer me his "real" self. grrr. i don't understand. i suppose i can take solace in the fact that, even after six years, he still thinks i'm hot.

but i'd rather be smart and funny.

busy

i've been busy with first dates and e-mails to and from potential dates and it's kind of fun. i was chatting with Mon today about the site and, of all people, she said she was scared of the in-person meet-up because she was afraid that they would judge her. i told her i had no problems with the first dates anymore; it's second dates i'm scared of. truth be told, i think i might actually be scared to meet someone i really like.

while i'm over the relationship itself, the scars from my relationship with the Ex are still very prominent, i realize now. it will probably sound odd, but i'm not scared of being judged or being compared to a previous girlfriend (not yet, anyway). it doesn't bother me if they think i'm a bit odd or boring or safe. i figure if they don't like who i am now, they're not going to take the time to grow to like me anyway, so why bother? i'm also not scared that i won't meet someone. if i don't, i'm fine with that.

what i am scared of is the next real relationship i actually have. how am i going to meet him? how will i know it's him? what happens if it's not everything i want it to be? do i adapt or do i leave? what happens if he's great, but our friendship isn't? for example, the Ex wasn't a very good boyfriend in the end. he would rather hang out with his friends and play video games and drink beer. but when it was just the two of us, at the time when it was really good between us, we would sit and laugh and say silly things. he wanted to spend time with me. he would bribe me with pizza so i would come over and watch Monday Night Football with him. and he didn't mind when i asked questions about what was going on. he liked teaching me about the sport he loved. and i turned him onto basketball and we started watching that together. we were so comfortable with each other. i'm scared i'll never find that level of comfort again.

dating isn't fun for me. it's a lot of work. but i don't mind putting in the effort and doing the hard work if i know that what it will yield will be a great friendship and an even better love relationship. but how will i know? will i ever stop looking? will i find someone that makes me want to stop looking? does it even matter to me anymore or am i just going through the motions because people think i should?

so many questions, so many possible answers.

pheremonal

my OB-Gyn has decided i need to try life off the Pill. i haven't been off the pill in over 10 years. it's a bit scary. but, if i could deal with the periods i was dealing with three years ago, i can deal with them off the Pill. i hope.

i confess that i've been thinking about going off the Pill for quite some time now, but not to help my periods. i read somewhere...somewhere...that being on the Pill (or any kind of hormone-affecting drug) affects ones pheremones. If my pheremones are off, that might (but only might) explain why i've had limited success in the love department in the past few years. as i get older, my hormones have shifted and changed, and who i was five years ago is most certainly not who i am today. maybe it was the drugs that were masking who i was. maybe that's why i seem invisible to some people - because my own pheromones are not really there.

i read a book called, "Perfume: The Story of a Murderer" and i must say i identified slightly with the title character. not in the sense that i need to murder in order to fulfill what i think is my destiny, but more that i seem invisible to the rest of the world. people still walk head-on into me on the street like i wasn't even there. it's a bit off-putting. i try very hard not to shoulder-check them as i walk by. hey, you walk into me, i'll walk into you.

perhaps being off the Pill will also help with my wonky moods and how i feel about my work. or maybe it will show me that it's not just the drugs that make me feel crazy.

there is so much i want to do - so many careers i want to try. i know i have to be patient and eventually, in this life or the next, i'll try them. it's hard to know which ones i actually want to be a part of, and which ones i just want to say i'm a part of, if you know what i mean.

i'm feeling like this post is all over the place, so i think i'll stop.