pressure

i think i'm too picky. and i think i'm too picky because i don't want to be in a relationship.

well, it's not that i don't want to be in a relationship - it's more that i don't want to have to work so hard at finding someone. what happened to the days when you could see someone in the lobby at work or at a pub and just smile and take it from there? okay, i guess i would help if i actually smiled at people but you know what i mean.

why is it necessary for me to be on not one, but two dating websites, and be completely unsuccessful at both, no matter how hard i try?

i sometimes think i'm bowing to the social pressure of being in a relationship. i'm 32 and i'm single and a portion of society thinks that's weird. i guess it's the whole Bridget Jones thing too - that all of my friends are going to get married and i get left off invitation lists because i'm not part of a couple. or, i get invited to the couple parties and have to sit at the head of the table because everyone else is paired off. and then people ask me weird questions about the single life and why i'm still single. shudder.

the thought that i might be single for the rest of my life doesn't scare me at all, but the thought of growing apart from my friends because they all have husbands, wives and children, does. it's already happening, although my close sets of friends will always be friends. i just don't see them anymore. because they're busy doing the couple-thing. and now the kid-thing.

so, i want a boyfriend so i can be part of the couple thing? so i don't get left behind? that doesn't sound like me and that's not someone i want to be either. i should want a partner because i want someone to spend time with and grow with, not because i want a built-in date for all holidays and weddings.

maybe that's why i'm having so much trouble connecting with people. i want it for the wrong reasons.

it's time to re-set the meter and start over again. oh, and smile.

self-help

i think i've figured out why i love formulaic, romantic comedies, and why i turn to them when i start to feel hopeless about the dating scene. i think they give me hope. as crazy as that sounds, rom-coms help me believe in love again - that love is possible and that love happens.

sure, FRCs are meant to be sugary and implausible, but for some reason, they re-vitalize my belief that there is someone out There for me. even the ones that make me cry give me that hope again.

i don't know if i ever told you the story, but on my way home from Punta Cana last year, the airline played, "P.S. I Love You". i was going to get a headset but decided that i really don't like Hilary Swank in general, so i didn't want to have to suffer through her ruining my favorite genre of movie.

when i got home, i kept hearing about how good the movie was so i finally broke down and rented it. i am, to this day, so glad i didn't watch it on the plane because i'm quite certain i would have been the laughing stock of the flight. i watched it again tonight and cried in almost every scene. can you imagine how nuts that would've been during a flight?

but it's renewed my faith. i shall continue on.