it's official

i will never own a cat. and it's becoming more likely that i'll never own a dog either. this cat is driving me insane. i know it's because she misses her companion of a decade and i try to spend as much time with her as i can. but she's become so needy - i don't remember her being like this, ever. if i don't sit with her, she whines. if i don't pet her, she whines. if i'm not looking at her, she whines. if she were a dog, i might be able to deal with it because at least i know she'd be able to go for a walk or play. this houseguest of mine just lounges. plays string every once in awhile. but mostly just stares and whines. oy!

things have been very quiet. i'm almost getting bored. i'd like to have people over but i'm afraid this cat might have a heart attack from all the new faces. plus, all the covers i've put on the couch look kind of ridiculous and are a pain to put back on properly so no parties for me until the new year.

Doc Tardy may be moving back home soon. i'm a bit disappointed because she had accepted a job in England previously and i was looking forward to visiting her for my birthday. ah well, i guess i can still celebrate the summer solstice in england, just more expensively. but it'll be good if she moves back - we'll get each other out and socializing again.

i wish i could learn better from my mistakes. last year at this time, i was grounding myself (for the umpteenth time, no doubt) for spending too much money. had i just bit the bullet last year at this time, i'd be out of credit card debt, probably would have a new computer, and would have a little more savings. instead, it's Christmas time again with gifts to buy, i have more credit card debt than i did last year and my car's regular maintenance is going to cost me at least $1500 because i'm about to hit 100,000 km and my timing belt needs to be changed. that doesn't include my brakes -i've been waiting for them to tell me i need them changed since the summer but since i don't drive as much now, i've been saved for a few months. i hate this. i hate that i just can't seem to learn. i can learn from my mistakes at work but in my personal life, generally, it's like Groundhog Day.

aside from the money-thing and the cat-thing, i'm quite happy. Mon was obsessing about this guy that she hasn't heard from in a week. she met him at Earls on Friday at lunch (randomly, of course), which turned into a 12 hour makeout session at her place. they planned on doing something the next week but he never phoned or sent her a text or anything. and she's obsessing. just the way i would. she says she's never felt this kind of chemistry with a guy since 1998 so she doesn't want to let him go, even though he smokes weed on a regular basis, occasionally does coke and is a self-professed partier. oy. meanwhile, she's got another guy that she's pushing away, even though he's got a great job, owns a house, is stable and established, and thoughtful (although it sounds like it could border on controlling sometimes). i told her she needs to simplify her life. she's the one who told me to read "eat, pray, love" and yet she learned nothing from that book. nada. i'm so glad i surround myself with people who invite so much drama into their lives. it reminds me that i don't want any in mine.

loss

how quickly things change. ginny was euthanized this morning. she'd been sick since monday night and she's been at the vet since tuesday morning. i was afraid i'd have to make the decision to put her down because i wasn't able to get a hold of Jam for a few days and ginny got progressively worse. it was an awful decision to have to make when you're on the other side of the world but i'm glad she made it.

it made me realize that perhaps i'm not fit to have a pet like a dog or a cat. her sickness was so upsetting to me that on thursday night, i found myself kneeling in front of ginny's cage at the vet, sobbing and apologizing to her (yes, the cat) because i didn't know what to do. perhaps my sadness came from the standpoint that i had no guidance and had never been through this kind of situation before. perhaps it will be different when i have my own dog, but i think the pain of losing them will be much worse. can i deal with that?

i think a lot of my avoidance of dating and relationships stems from the fact that i don't want to ever feel that pain of losing someone again. love is great when you have it but when you lose it, you feel like you may have been better off having not had it at all. maybe it's worse for me; i'm not a person that wears my heart on my sleeve. as the saying goes, still waters run deep. i feel pain very deeply and the only way for me to deal with it is just to avoid it. perhaps not the most healthy way of self-preservation but it's what works for me.

that being said, i may be inheriting a dog pretty soon. if it comes to that, the next three months will be interesting, to say the least!

serious regret

i wish i had never said i would look after my friend's cats. it's only been a week but it feels like they've been here for months. i'm frustrated with Ginny, the cat with the heart condition. i know i shouldn't be. but she's figured out that the "treat" food i give her is laced with her meds so now she won't eat it. yesterday, i was forced to try to shove the pills down her throat by sitting on her and yanking her mouth open. i thought she'd taken it, and i gave her extra pets and cooed at her for doing so. later on, i found the pill lying on the floor. fucking cat.

i tried to do the same today and granted, today was my fault. i opened up the pill and was going to pour the contents down her throat. that got spit out too. i was so mad, i started to vacuum. they hate the vacuum.

i know i'm being too hard on them (and on me) but i hate having them here. the cat hair is driving me mental. i hate cleaning the litter. one of them puked on the carpet yesterday - hated cleaning that too. and the benefit of have two little critters to sit and watch TV with me lost its lustre many days ago.

granted, the money my friend gave me in payment for looking after them will probably buy my new computer (finally). or buy my Christmas present for the year. or pay down my credit card. or allow me to finally have a nice housewarming party (once these damn cats are gone, of course, because a crowd of new people hanging around for an extended period of time would probably give Ginny a heart attack, literally). or supplement my away-trip next year. but i will never, ever, EVER agree to take care of someone else's cats at my place again. i don't care who it's for.

only 15 more weeks to go. fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

invasion

the cats are moving in today. i really hope they like it here. they'd better because they'll be with me for the next four months. i just learned that 90% of the plants i own are poisonous to cats so i've had to move them into my den and will shut the door when i'm not here or sleeping. hopefully that works. it's very sad because now my livingroom looks bare without the big plant on the floor by the window and, of course, that window gets the most light so my plants will suffer. i hope they don't die. i'd be pissed.

i've gotten over the whole cat-hair thing (okay, almost). almost gotten over the fact that they will likely scratch the hell out of my couch. i just don't want them to get angry with their owner and take it out on me (or rather, my furniture) by peeing everywhere. one of the cats did that (peed on my friend's mattress) after my friend's return from a month-long trip. i suspect that they will punish her once they all get home in March, but there's always that possibility that they're just not going to like me. and then, the other possibility that the one with the heart condition will die. that would suck! i've never had to deal with dead animals before and to have to deal with it for the first time with a friend's pet would be awful. here's hoping things go well.

i worry too much, eh?