one-cookie kid

ever seen those social experiments done on young children where they are sat at a table with a cookie on a plate? the experimenter (or is it tor?) tells the test subject that they are going to leave the room but will be back in 10 minutes and that if they don't eat the cookie while they're gone, they'll bring them another cookie and then they can have two instead of one? the test supposedly demonstrated that the kinds that could wait the 10 minutes to have the two cookies instead of just one (i.e. delay gratification) would be more successful in life than the ones that gobbled the one cookie the minute the experimenter left the room and the door closed behind them.

i am a one-cookie kind of kid. it is very rare when i can delay gratification to myself. i was just looking at my bank accounts and i'm starting to finally get some savings together. remember a few weeks ago when i said i was going to stop buying finally start paying off my credit card? i really wanted to make that work. it would take me three lean months to pay it off but then i'd be credit-card debt free. so what do i do? buy two pairs of shoes. they're very pretty shoes, but it's still $90 i didn't have to spend. and Christmas is coming up so i know that i'm going to be spending in a couple of months. i know i can go easy on gifts but then it feels like i have more money to buy more decorations! it's endless.

i've been eating a bit manically these days too. either i'm just not hungry so i don't eat at all, or i eat whatever is in sight just because it's there.

last night, i pulled into my parking spot in the garage. my next-door garage neighbour tapped on my window and when i opened the door, she offered me some bread. she explained that she worked with special needs people and that every friday, the local Safeway gave her all the day-old bread (don't ask me what that has to do with special needs people - i haven't figured that out). anyway, she said she always had more than she could eat so she offered me some. i said sure. i expected her to hand over a loaf, maybe two. but she opened up the backdoor of her little car and in the back seat sat three clear garbage bag-sized bags of bread. one contained bulk rolls...lots and lots of rolls. the second held baguettes. the third, fancy loaves. she handed me two baguettes, told me to help myself to the doughnuts in the trunk (all piled into a orange-box) and basically handed me the bag full of fancy loaves and said, "here, if you have room in your freezer...." for two or three loaves, maybe. for twenty, no. i walked away with one boston cream doughnut, two baguettes and a fancy loaf. when i got upstairs, i ate the doughnut. this morning for breakfast, i halfed the french loaf baguette, cut it lengthwise and spread some margarine on it. for lunch, i took the fancy loaf, split it lengthwise and made a pizza. thankfully, i mustered up enough self-control to only eat one half of the pizza (i.e. the bottom side of the loaf).

i'm a one-cookie kid at work too. i've been at the firm for two years now - barely long enough to have sunk my teeth into my new career. and yet because a lot of people come to me for help and rely on me on a day to day basis, i'm starting to feel like i'm entitled to things that i'm just not. i think that is why i get so worked up and upset and get my feelings hurt. because i feel like i should be treated better - more special - than the others who do the same job as me. that is a serious flaw. i spent yesterday in a bit of a stormy mood. at 3:45, i walked into the photocopy room where there were two people at the fax machine and one lawyer at the supply shelves. there were a stack of stapled photocopies that had been sitting on the same spot on the counter since the late morning. finally, out of sheer annoyance i said, to no one in particular, "whose papers are these and why are they just sitting here????" realizing that no one was answering me but feeling six eyes on me, i said, with as much humour as embarassment, "why am i so cranky???" they all laughed. but why am i so cranky?

it's really only work that is bothering me right now and it's mostly just the politics at work that are getting to me. it is my fault for taking a secretarial job so i have no one to blame but myself. i know human nature well enough to know that there are certain people at work that will never take me seriously as a paralegal and i will either have to deal with it or find another job. it might be because they don't really know what a paralegal is, but they certainly would never dare to give the Mentor the menial task they sometimes give me without a second thought. grr. change is imminent at the workplace in the next year. if i manage to get to five years at the same firm, i doubt i'll ever leave. it's the feelings of loyalty that will get me in the end. loyalty to them, but not to myself.

build up, let down

you know when you prepare yourself for bad news? you psyche yourself up; you hope for the best but prepare for the worst; you role-play in your mind how you're going to react. and then the bad news comes and you don't react the way you think at all? i'm going through that right now.

i just found out, not 24 hours ago, that The Ex is married. he got married. we broke up because he said he wasn't ready for marriage and that he just wanted to chill with his friends and be a guy but what he was trying to say, without hurting my feelings, was that he didn't want to marry me.

i knew that. i knew that for many years after. he got together with this girl - the Rebound Girl - not two months after we split up. maybe the feelings were there even sooner.

i always thought i would be devastated when i found out that he married her and had kids. settled down. gave his life to her. why wasn't i good enough for him to give his life to?

i said i never wanted to know, and yet i always tried to figure it out on my own. i figured i was just being my usual masochistic self - you know, make myself sad and miserable so i can cry "woe is me!" and have an excuse to feel sorry for myself for a few weeks.

i don't think it was a surprise when i found out. i didn't feel hurt. i didn't hate him (or her). i think the only ill feelings i had were that i wanted desperately to feel hurt and betrayed and angry - i just couldn't. i can't muster any hurt feelings at all. it's kind of weird for an old emotional masochist like me.

when i finally decided to end the relationship, i told him that i just wanted him to be happy. and if it wasn't with me, then so be it. i hope he's found happiness with her. i mean that.

and he said to me that he hoped that i would find someone that was good enough for me and who would treat me better than the way he treated me because i deserved so much more.

we always hear, "it's not you; it's me" and we all know that it's not entirely true. depending on how you look at it, it is you. or it's not. in my case, it was me. he knew he wasn't good enough for me and so he let me go. he realized it right away. it's only taken me six years to realize it for myself.

freedom.