geez, the last entry was when i was depressed. just so you know, i woke up the next morning feeling normal and wondering what the hell happened the night before. i talked about it with a friend at work (who is older) and she assured me that it happens to everyone. i guess it does. i don't know; i felt really crazy. anyway, things have been fine every since. work has been good. i've been seemingly meeting friends for meals left, right and centre, which doesn't sound like it would bode well for my budget but as it happens, one friend paid for dinner (i'll get the next one but i hope it's a cheap as the one she paid for! then again, she just declared bankruptcy so do i feel bad or do i not?), another friend paid for coffee and a cookie, yet another friend paid for cover charge and a drink at the pub and i got the breakfast special with another friend so it was cheap! it's been a very, very social month.
money seems to be consuming me right now. i know it's because i have the credit card debt i want to get rid of. i just got my bonus from work and so that will take care of a chunk of it but there's still an even bigger chunk left to pay. it's like a double-edged sword: if i go out with friends, i spend money but if i stay home by myself, i eat too much. and then i have to go out and buy groceries. so, i'm either obsessed about the money i'm spending or concerned about the amount of food i'm over-consuming. i know, a few more months of not spending anything but for the bare necessities and i'll be credit-card debt free. now if my social life could wait a few more months! summer is coming up and the patios are calling!
speaking of money, i note that two of my neighbours across the way are using their gas fireplaces on this cold evening. and they've been on all evening. the strata pays for the gas but we as individual occupants pay for the electric heat. i bet you the two fireplace users are renters. you have no idea how expensive it is for the owners!!!! ok, i have no idea but i'm sure it can't be cheap. if it costs me $30 for half a tank of gas in my car, imagine what burning 5 hours of gas would cost.
the Howler's right - we are getting crotchety in our old age.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Saturday, February 10, 2007
black dog
i know this girl. overall and in the greater scheme of things, she's got a pretty good life. she has a good job that she loves, an abundance of good friends, and a loving, extended family. she's well-educated, bright and always curious about learning new things. she owns her own home, has paid off her car, has no student loans to pay off and, aside from some irresponsible but manageable credit card debt, she only has a mortgage to worry about. she's healthy; she could eat better and could stand to lose a few pounds and aside from an on-going but non-life threatening health issue that is currently being monitored, she can't complain. from this side of the fence, i wouldn't mind having her life.
in the past few weeks, since after Christmas, she's been more reclusive than even she's used to. despite the fact that she has friends that she could be going out with or visiting on the weekend, she chooses to stay at home, by herself, and watch tv. she tells people she reads too, but she hasn't read a book - or at least, hasn't finished one - in many, many months. she hardly ever phones her friends to keep in touch and has stopped sending e-mails (her favorite form of communication), not because she doesn't want to but more because she hasn't really thought about it. she thought it was because she didn't want to spend any more money than she had to - she has credit card debt to pay off, after all. she thought it would be smart just to sacrifice some her social life so she could pay off her debt more quickly. but she hasn't been exercising or going for the walks she said she would go on and it's gotten to the point where the mere thought of having to leave her apartment without a really good reason (i.e. going to work) has become more and more daunting. she thought it was just laziness. she thought it was just the return of her roller-coaster moods after a few years of steady contentment. maybe it has something to do with the on-going but non-life threatening health issue. she thought it was a phase - after all, she didn't feel depressed. for the most part, she was happy with her life. but when you see her symptoms written down, there's no doubt that she is depressed.
today, she slept in until 10 - unheard of on most weekends but she was out late last night. she lay on the couch and watched tv until about 4 when she finally decided to force herself to shower and change. except something inside snapped and she started to cry. she sat on her couch, crying, but not understanding why. it wasn't PMS. it wasn't a sad commercial on tv. it was nothing. this frustrated her so much - this crying over nothing - that she started to cry harder. she managed to gain control of herself after a few moments - enough to finish the show she was watching - and then she showered, changed and went to run some quick errands. when she got back, she barely got through the front door before she started to cry again. now, she thinks she's crazy.
i don't know how to help her. maybe it's just a phase. maybe it's just stress finding its way out and it'll be over by tomorrow. it's a bit scary for her. she's starting to think she's fooled herself completely by just pretending she was happy with life. personally, i don't think she has but there is definitely something wrong. she doesn't know what it is and neither do i. it's hard to find a solution to a problem when you don't even know what the problem is. maybe we'll just have to wait and see.
in the past few weeks, since after Christmas, she's been more reclusive than even she's used to. despite the fact that she has friends that she could be going out with or visiting on the weekend, she chooses to stay at home, by herself, and watch tv. she tells people she reads too, but she hasn't read a book - or at least, hasn't finished one - in many, many months. she hardly ever phones her friends to keep in touch and has stopped sending e-mails (her favorite form of communication), not because she doesn't want to but more because she hasn't really thought about it. she thought it was because she didn't want to spend any more money than she had to - she has credit card debt to pay off, after all. she thought it would be smart just to sacrifice some her social life so she could pay off her debt more quickly. but she hasn't been exercising or going for the walks she said she would go on and it's gotten to the point where the mere thought of having to leave her apartment without a really good reason (i.e. going to work) has become more and more daunting. she thought it was just laziness. she thought it was just the return of her roller-coaster moods after a few years of steady contentment. maybe it has something to do with the on-going but non-life threatening health issue. she thought it was a phase - after all, she didn't feel depressed. for the most part, she was happy with her life. but when you see her symptoms written down, there's no doubt that she is depressed.
today, she slept in until 10 - unheard of on most weekends but she was out late last night. she lay on the couch and watched tv until about 4 when she finally decided to force herself to shower and change. except something inside snapped and she started to cry. she sat on her couch, crying, but not understanding why. it wasn't PMS. it wasn't a sad commercial on tv. it was nothing. this frustrated her so much - this crying over nothing - that she started to cry harder. she managed to gain control of herself after a few moments - enough to finish the show she was watching - and then she showered, changed and went to run some quick errands. when she got back, she barely got through the front door before she started to cry again. now, she thinks she's crazy.
i don't know how to help her. maybe it's just a phase. maybe it's just stress finding its way out and it'll be over by tomorrow. it's a bit scary for her. she's starting to think she's fooled herself completely by just pretending she was happy with life. personally, i don't think she has but there is definitely something wrong. she doesn't know what it is and neither do i. it's hard to find a solution to a problem when you don't even know what the problem is. maybe we'll just have to wait and see.
Fluff
last night i went to the annual post-Christmas bowling party put on by my former office. i like these events, almost exclusively because i get to visit with my friends. but i kicked ass bowling - at least in my first game. anyway... when i checked the attendance list yesterday afternoon, i noticed that the lawyer i asked out on my last day working for crown was going to be in attendance. he's obsessed with Kimini but it's ok because he's still fun to look at.
i didn't talk to him at all during bowling but there were rumblings after bowling of drinks at the shark club up the street and i was talked into joining.
before i go any further, i need to describe to you what this guy is like. he's about 6'3", blonde curly hair and blue-eyes (can you tell why i like him?), athletic-build and has a smile that could light up any given dark corner. he's got this deep, smooth baritone voice and when he smiles, the corners of his eyes crinkle. his office is across the street from the courthouse and one afternoon, he dropped by our office to chat to one of the other lawyers about a file. at work, he dresses in suits but on this particular day, he was wearing a white t-shirt and jeans and every woman in our office took an opportunity to peek at him sitting in the waiting room. every single one. take one look at him and you think he spends his weekends at his sailing club or playing polo. even his name sounds like he went to prep-school.
i learned from Kimini and Uber G that appearances, at least with The Fluff, are most certainly not what they seem. from what i understand, his apartment is actually an old warehouse on Antique Alley (not so far from where yours truly lives...but i digress). when you walk in, there's an area set aside for jousting (if not a member already, he wants to become a member of the SCA). in the back room, there's a basketball hoop on one side and a knife-throwing wall on the other. he's 36 years old but still feels the need to have posters of Christina Aguilera on the wall. his place, not surprisingly, does not have a shower so he takes his daily showers at his gym down the street. this is a step up from his previous lodgings, where he would take a shower using the garden hose in the back yard (this is a LAWYER i'm talking about). there was a blow-up pool with jello at his last party. i was invited by other friends but i unfortunately had other plans. anyway, on to the story du jour.
as we were leaving the bowling alley, i hear The Fluff saying to someone, "That's how I roll, mother fucker!" he said it in such a Wonderbread kind of way that i turned around and he looked at me. i started to laugh and said, "That was so white!" he laughed and hung his head in mock shame and for the rest of the evening, i got to finally experience what everyone else was talking about. he bought me a drink at the bar and we all sat around and talked. well, he yelled. i turned to Kimini and said, "this is great! i finally can put context to the stories you guys tell me!" when she asked me if i was aware of his fixation on her, i told her it was obvious and then said, "is it not reciprocal, then?" she looked at me and then we both looked at him, sitting to her left. he was in the middle of telling a story and the veins in the side of his head were looking to burst. she looked back at me and said, "this is what he's like ALL THE TIME. his intensity, quite frankly, scares me!" yeah, but he's hot! my favorite part was when he'd stand in between me and Kimini and lean up against me. we'd turn towards each other to chat and i'd get to see his crinkly blue eyes up close... hey, i have to take it where i can get it these days! :)
a bunch of us ended up leaving at the same time but Uber G and The Fluff decided to stick it out. The Fluff said to me, "you staying? you're staying, right?" but i said i had to drive Jam home. i offered to drive him home too, since it's on the way, but he said he was going to stay.
i'm going to see if Uber G wants to come out to my friend's gig next week and maybe, just maybe, he'll bring The Fluff. what a night that would be!
i didn't talk to him at all during bowling but there were rumblings after bowling of drinks at the shark club up the street and i was talked into joining.
before i go any further, i need to describe to you what this guy is like. he's about 6'3", blonde curly hair and blue-eyes (can you tell why i like him?), athletic-build and has a smile that could light up any given dark corner. he's got this deep, smooth baritone voice and when he smiles, the corners of his eyes crinkle. his office is across the street from the courthouse and one afternoon, he dropped by our office to chat to one of the other lawyers about a file. at work, he dresses in suits but on this particular day, he was wearing a white t-shirt and jeans and every woman in our office took an opportunity to peek at him sitting in the waiting room. every single one. take one look at him and you think he spends his weekends at his sailing club or playing polo. even his name sounds like he went to prep-school.
i learned from Kimini and Uber G that appearances, at least with The Fluff, are most certainly not what they seem. from what i understand, his apartment is actually an old warehouse on Antique Alley (not so far from where yours truly lives...but i digress). when you walk in, there's an area set aside for jousting (if not a member already, he wants to become a member of the SCA). in the back room, there's a basketball hoop on one side and a knife-throwing wall on the other. he's 36 years old but still feels the need to have posters of Christina Aguilera on the wall. his place, not surprisingly, does not have a shower so he takes his daily showers at his gym down the street. this is a step up from his previous lodgings, where he would take a shower using the garden hose in the back yard (this is a LAWYER i'm talking about). there was a blow-up pool with jello at his last party. i was invited by other friends but i unfortunately had other plans. anyway, on to the story du jour.
as we were leaving the bowling alley, i hear The Fluff saying to someone, "That's how I roll, mother fucker!" he said it in such a Wonderbread kind of way that i turned around and he looked at me. i started to laugh and said, "That was so white!" he laughed and hung his head in mock shame and for the rest of the evening, i got to finally experience what everyone else was talking about. he bought me a drink at the bar and we all sat around and talked. well, he yelled. i turned to Kimini and said, "this is great! i finally can put context to the stories you guys tell me!" when she asked me if i was aware of his fixation on her, i told her it was obvious and then said, "is it not reciprocal, then?" she looked at me and then we both looked at him, sitting to her left. he was in the middle of telling a story and the veins in the side of his head were looking to burst. she looked back at me and said, "this is what he's like ALL THE TIME. his intensity, quite frankly, scares me!" yeah, but he's hot! my favorite part was when he'd stand in between me and Kimini and lean up against me. we'd turn towards each other to chat and i'd get to see his crinkly blue eyes up close... hey, i have to take it where i can get it these days! :)
a bunch of us ended up leaving at the same time but Uber G and The Fluff decided to stick it out. The Fluff said to me, "you staying? you're staying, right?" but i said i had to drive Jam home. i offered to drive him home too, since it's on the way, but he said he was going to stay.
i'm going to see if Uber G wants to come out to my friend's gig next week and maybe, just maybe, he'll bring The Fluff. what a night that would be!
Monday, February 05, 2007
switch
don't roll your eyes, but i'm thinking about going back to school. there was an ad in the local 24hrs paper for the BCIT technical writing part-time program. i don't know how serious i am but i'm going to go to the information session next week to see what it's all about. i can't afford to go back to school and, even though the classes are at night, i don't know if i'm ready to do school work again. but the program description certainly got my attention and it brought to the surface the one thing that i am missing in my job - writing.
i worked on a quantum assessment today and it allows for some writing but nothing even remotely creative. when i draft pleadings, there's some description involved but it's basically a fill-in-the-blank template.
i wonder if i can satisfy my urge to write by blogging more regularly or working on my short story more often than once or twice a month, maybe i'll feel a little more content with what little writing i do on the job. it won't hurt to just attend the session and see what it's about. ideally, if i were to take the program, my objective would be to work part-time as a technical writer. i'll keep you posted.
i have one thing to share from last week. on thursday, BabyMan comes by my desk and says, "we're going to Vera's for lunch. you coming?" i had always wanted to go so i said ok, even though i had gone out for an expensive dinner the night before (and had basically blown my entire entertainment budget for february a day before february started!). the Mentor overheard us and called shrilly from her office, "where are you guys going?" i said, "vera's burger shack." "who's going?" "i don't know, i'm not driving." a few minutes later, BabyMan came by to collect us, being me, the Ninja, Mon and A. the Mentor called out again, "where are you guys going?" in the hubbub, no one really answered her and she called out, "thanks for inviting me! i am VERY hurt and offended that you didn't invite me AND I'M NOT KIDDING." i looked at BabyMan and said, "she's pissed."
we had a mediocre lunch (i didn't need to spend the $9.00 i did on a burger and soda - not even any fries!) after driving around the west end looking for parking for 10 minutes and then we went back to the office. we were gone about 90 minutes. at lunch, i had said to the table, "the Mentor is pissed that she wasn't invited. it's going to be pure hell when we get back because that's all i'm going to hear about." the Ninja reminded me that we were all allowed to make lunch plans with whomever we wanted and it wasn't our fault that the Mentor's boss never, ever took her out for lunch. ever. not even for secretary's day. or Christmas. or her birthday. never. ever. not in the 15 years they've worked together. ever. (does that tell you something about her?). anyway, we get back to work and the whole group of us walk around the corner just as she's walking out of the elevator to go for lunch. of course. when she gets back, she won't look at any of us and is sniffling in her office. at the printer. at reception. if she has to say something to someone, she's got this mopey, pouty sad face and won't make eye contact. sniff, sniff. and then she skulked out of the office without saying anything to anyone. holy F.
the next day, she went up to our receptionist and said, "do you think i overreacted yesterday?" it took everything in her power for our receptionist not to say, "uh, DUH, you big f-ing baby!" but she explained to the Mentor that if she was upset, she didn't need to take it out on everyone that crossed her path. and if she wanted to go, she should've just said so, instead of saying, "well, thanks for inviting me!" later that morning, she said something friendly to me so i figured she was okay with me. but BabyMan went into her office and sat down and she looked at him and said, "what do YOU want? i'm really upset with you. you hurt my feelings." despite the fact that BabyMan is probably 12 or so years younger than her, she forgets he's one of her bosses and treats him like a child. i'm still so annoyed with her that i can't even look at her. any amount of respect i had for her has dwindled down to nothing now. she's pathetic.
i thought government office politics was bad.
i worked on a quantum assessment today and it allows for some writing but nothing even remotely creative. when i draft pleadings, there's some description involved but it's basically a fill-in-the-blank template.
i wonder if i can satisfy my urge to write by blogging more regularly or working on my short story more often than once or twice a month, maybe i'll feel a little more content with what little writing i do on the job. it won't hurt to just attend the session and see what it's about. ideally, if i were to take the program, my objective would be to work part-time as a technical writer. i'll keep you posted.
i have one thing to share from last week. on thursday, BabyMan comes by my desk and says, "we're going to Vera's for lunch. you coming?" i had always wanted to go so i said ok, even though i had gone out for an expensive dinner the night before (and had basically blown my entire entertainment budget for february a day before february started!). the Mentor overheard us and called shrilly from her office, "where are you guys going?" i said, "vera's burger shack." "who's going?" "i don't know, i'm not driving." a few minutes later, BabyMan came by to collect us, being me, the Ninja, Mon and A. the Mentor called out again, "where are you guys going?" in the hubbub, no one really answered her and she called out, "thanks for inviting me! i am VERY hurt and offended that you didn't invite me AND I'M NOT KIDDING." i looked at BabyMan and said, "she's pissed."
we had a mediocre lunch (i didn't need to spend the $9.00 i did on a burger and soda - not even any fries!) after driving around the west end looking for parking for 10 minutes and then we went back to the office. we were gone about 90 minutes. at lunch, i had said to the table, "the Mentor is pissed that she wasn't invited. it's going to be pure hell when we get back because that's all i'm going to hear about." the Ninja reminded me that we were all allowed to make lunch plans with whomever we wanted and it wasn't our fault that the Mentor's boss never, ever took her out for lunch. ever. not even for secretary's day. or Christmas. or her birthday. never. ever. not in the 15 years they've worked together. ever. (does that tell you something about her?). anyway, we get back to work and the whole group of us walk around the corner just as she's walking out of the elevator to go for lunch. of course. when she gets back, she won't look at any of us and is sniffling in her office. at the printer. at reception. if she has to say something to someone, she's got this mopey, pouty sad face and won't make eye contact. sniff, sniff. and then she skulked out of the office without saying anything to anyone. holy F.
the next day, she went up to our receptionist and said, "do you think i overreacted yesterday?" it took everything in her power for our receptionist not to say, "uh, DUH, you big f-ing baby!" but she explained to the Mentor that if she was upset, she didn't need to take it out on everyone that crossed her path. and if she wanted to go, she should've just said so, instead of saying, "well, thanks for inviting me!" later that morning, she said something friendly to me so i figured she was okay with me. but BabyMan went into her office and sat down and she looked at him and said, "what do YOU want? i'm really upset with you. you hurt my feelings." despite the fact that BabyMan is probably 12 or so years younger than her, she forgets he's one of her bosses and treats him like a child. i'm still so annoyed with her that i can't even look at her. any amount of respect i had for her has dwindled down to nothing now. she's pathetic.
i thought government office politics was bad.
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