the ol' knitting injury

i hurt myself knitting last night. don't laugh.

i have always wanted to learn how to knit - so much so that i bought a "beginners learn to knit kit" and tried to teach myself through the kit's instructional book, tiny pictures and all.

as luck would have it, my mom also wanted to learn how to knit but she was smart enough (and not as cheap as me) to sign up for knitting lessons. she went to her first class last week and e-mailed me the next day, asking me if i wanted to take over for her. her reasons for quitting were that: a) it was boring; and b) she got so tense making sure that she was using the proper technique that her shoulders tensed up and she needed a massage. i laughed at her.

i went to her second knitting class last night - loved it! by the end, i felt like a pro. this morning, i felt like i had whiplash. so much for laughing at my mom's "knitting injuries" - i had my own!

turns out that knitting involves a lot of looking down and thus, bending your neck. i have a bad neck (along with the traps and shoulders) from various car accidents (none were my fault!) and RSIs from working with computers and mice (mouses, if you will) all the time. i know better than to strain my right shoulder with an ill-placed mouse or my neck with a monitor that is set too low or too high. yet it really didn't occur to me that knitting might aggravate any of my pre-existing injuries (is that thin-skull or crumbling-skull? i could never figure out which was which). so, i didn't do any of my post-strain exercises or stretches (why would i? i was KNITTING for crying out loud!) and now, i suffer. i couldn't even get a massage appointment for tonight so i settled for one on thursday. my neck should be sufficiently worse by then, i think.

still, the urge to knit is overpowering....

ain't it funny

he phoned me today just to chat. when i phoned him back, he was watching basketball. so he chatted away, but whenever i wanted to say something or elaborate on something, he seemed to be more interested in what LeBron James was doing on the court than what i was saying on the other end of the phone. and then he phoned me again, this time to watch one of his favorite parts on this one episode of "Frasier". i swear, he was giggling away like a schoolgirl and i thought for sure i heard him pee his pants. the clip was funny - but it wasn't that funny.

then he asked me whether we were going to see each other this week and he told me to pick a day because i was "so busy". i told him that any night this week but monday worked for me. he proceeded to say that wednesday was the only night this week that he was available to see me. fuck off.

i needed this phone call. it reminded me that perhaps i was correct in keeping my distance in the first place.

dropping the f-bomb

what a fucking asshole. i realize he was just reacting to what i said in the e-mail but gawd, it didn't even make much sense. it makes it that much easier for me to deal with the end of the relationship. but some of the stuff that he accuses me of is the fucking pot calling the fucking kettle black. fuck you.

fuck you for acting like you cared about me. fuck you for making me believe that you saw your future with me. fuck you for being so fucking selfish - for knowing damn, fucking well that you weren't ready for a relationship but being fucking selfish enough to continue to date me anyway. fuck you for calling me a prude about sex - at least i can be spontaneous about it. fuck you for acting as though we had been together for years with your fucking pet names and your fucking weekends in. fuck you for saying that the way i chose to end it was immature - do you need me to forward the original e-mail you sent me that ended it the first time? fuck you for not even making enough fucking time to have a coffee with me so this might have ended civilly. fuck you for not trusting me, even though i had never given you any reason not to. fuck you and your fucking drunken way of dealing with shit you can't handle. fuck you for acting like you were the one who was making all of the sacrifices. fuck you for making me feel like i was being unreasonable. fuck you and your over-emotional, over-wrought reactions to just about fucking everything. fuck you for bringing more drama into my life than i ever wanted, wished for or imagined was available.

and finally, fuck you and your fucking football - i am sooo glad your team got spanked in the playoffs. the only thing that would've made it sweeter was if they had made it to the Superbowl and lost it in a final second heartbreaker...in overtime.

grow up, you fucking baby.

the straw

after much thought and hesitation and self-doubt and tears, i finally sent The E-mail to end it all...for now. and after i had sent it, this was the daily horoscope that popped into my inbox an hour later:

"Don't let an important relationship in your life unravel, especially when it's so easy to pick up the threads. A simple phone call or a short email exchange can go much further than you'd think."

i don't know how he'll react. i don't know if he'll try to contact me. i left the door open but i also made it clear that he wasn't currently offering me what i needed.

if i can make it through the next 72 hours without hearing from him, i think this one might stick.

fix-it

i want to be with him because i think i can "fix him". he's so broken. he's had a heckuva life. his past relationships have obviously made him suspicous and untrusting. so i think i've actually taken it upon myself to make him right again. i know that i'm the right person to do it and yet i also know that it's not my job to do it. he's been broken for 30+ years - what makes me think i can change things and make his life better in less than 6 months?

have i said that i know how wrong he is for me? that he's taken advantage of the way i am in relationships? that he's getting everything he needs from me but i'm getting nothing i need from him? that he's having his cake and eating it too?

i have said all of that? twice, you say? ok, just checking.

subconscious

i think i am subconsciously trying to sabotage this relationship. but, it can't be subconscious if i am conscious of it. i am so messed up.

i've been "distant" with him lately - his words, not mine. it's not advertent - i guess i've just been trying to keep busy. i resent the fact that he just doesn't seem to want to spend any time with me - more specifically, any one-on-one time. he told me today that he wanted to see me this wednesday and then when i asked him whether i'd see him this weekend, he told me friday night. i was really hoping to spend the weekend with him - i have the apartment, after all. but he doesn't seem to think along those lines. he cares more about how big the TV is in the apartment than the fact that we'll be alone. he won't watch here because the TV isn't big enough but he suggested that we go to my house to watch. huh? i know how important the playoffs are to him and i am perfectly happy watching the games with him. but he seems to be avoiding being alone with me. and avoiding introducing me to his friends. avoiding any real placement in his everyday life in general, actually.

i am beginning to think that, while he obviously does like me, he's just not as attracted to me as he'd like to think he is. seriously, i could walk around topless and he would tell me to put a shirt on. should i be flattered that he doesn't see me as just a sexual object? or should i be insulted? is it because he's older so his sex drive isn't as high? i don't understand.

and he had the nerve to say to me today that i always have issues about something when i got really pouty about not being able to see him this weekend. EXCUSE ME???

all the wrong places

why do i seek validation from men who are not worth my time? i was at a friend's birthday party tonight and was very much looking forward to going as i haven't been able to see this particular group of friends for awhile. unbeknownst to me, this guy i had asked out last year was there (i didn't expect him to be there because he's not really a friend of my friend). anyway, last year when i asked him out, he sounded interested in actually going out and he took my number. he never phoned me. soon after, i heard about what he was really like - not that he was a boy whose day job was being a lawyer nor that he was a player (he's both, actually). no, it was that his dream was to buy a warehouse, convert the top into a loft so he could live there, and make the bottom part a BMX track. he's 33. um, yeah.

anyway, he was sitting with my friend and they were looking cozy enough that people started asking whether they were dating. for a lark, i took their picture and they hammed it up - she looked embarrassed and he looked very comfortable. and all i could think was, "why didn't he call me? why isn't he falling all over me now? what the hell is wrong with him?"

it is still bugging me, even though i know he's not the one for me. maybe it's because he's really, really, really cute. hot, almost. i am so shallow. ;)

what i gotta do

i need to break up with him. it took a stranger who was scouting for potential "daters" for a TV show called "manhattan matchmaker" to really hammer it home how much i need to end this relationship. and not just because they won't let me on the show if i don't.

this relationship has been very bad for my self-esteem. it's taken me back to square one, where i thought i had left my old self behind. and now, she's back and getting walked on, all over again. it's not right.

i've already started dropping hints (although we know how good he is at picking them up). like when he complained today about how he hasn't seen me in a long time, i said, "well, if you had some time for me, you'd see me. i could've seen you tonight." and he said, "but the hockey game was on." and i said, "you could've asked me to watch it with you." and he said, "yeah, i guess so." talk about out of sight, out of mind.

i want so much for this to work but the fact remains that it isn't - at least not for me.

happy new year

i went to a NYE party last night at the Commodore with two couples and one of my girlfriends. i wasn't looking forward to it as i figured it would be a night of smoochy couples and drunken revelry. i was sort of wrong.

i had a great time; probably the best time i've had at new year's in a long time. everyone was drinking but me but no one was annoying. the two couples each had an agreement that they could each flirt with other people - just no kissing. apparently, that limitation didn't include anyone in the group. my two friends from work (my girlfriend and one of the guys in the couples) were grinding on the dancefloor, holding hands, stroking thighs, even kissing necks. it was a very odd thing for me to witness and, had i been drinking, i probably would've said something in jest. i was just so weirded out that i couldn't say anything. one of the other girls kept flashing people but she did have a nice rack and she was very sweet about it (as sweet as you can be when you are flashing bartenders for free drinks). it was a very interesting night. i managed to get home and in bed by 4 a.m. and i was awake and up and at 'em (as much as you can be at 'em on NYD Sunday).

as for my yearly resolutions, i don't really want to make any this year. i always make the same ones every year and they are ones i should live by everyday anyway so why bother making them? but i'd feel like it was bad luck to not make them... so, here they are:

1. Learn to knit;
2. Learn a new language;
3. Go somewhere different for my birthday this year (not just a new place in Mexico, either);
4. Live my life based on what I actually need and want and not by what other people tell me I need and want or what I think I need and want based on comparing myself to other people;
5. No More Drama.

okay, so i stuck in a couple of less frivolous ones. but in the next few weeks, more than ever, i need to be reminded of those ones especially.