two months

yesterday was two months since i last spoke to Sam.  people i mentioned it to said, "Wow, times flies!" not really.

i broke it down in my head yesterday:  the first two or three weeks were hell.  the next two were adjustment.  the next two were feeling like things were good.  the next week was almost like it was happening all over again (last Friday i had a complete meltdown when i got home from work.  i sobbed for a good 30 minutes -  it was pathetic).  and then this past week, i came back to myself it feels like.  it helps that we have been in slightly more contact, though situational more than anything.  he sent me a text for my birthday which i knew he would (everyone said he wouldn't because i told him not to contact me until he was ready to try again - i was right.).  i sent him a text two weeks later on his birthday.  i've broken my rule since by liking one or two photos on his IG feed and (gasp!) i replied to something he tweeted earlier this week.  he's returned the favor with his own indirect interactions.  it's been nice to have contact with him again.

i realized yesterday that when i asked him not to contact me, it was coming from my past experiences - in previous breakups, i had never really wanted to keep in touch with the guys: they either ended up being jerks or i was so hurt by what happened that i couldn't deal with even the thought of having to see their name on my call display or in my inbox.  so that's why i asked him not to contact me.  but with Sam, it's different - regardless of what happens, he's a positive light in my life and you don't let those go.  he challenged me in ways he'll never know and for me, unexpectedly.  at 37, i thought i had myself figured out but i think that now, i know there is always things to challenge and grow from.  i want him in my life, if only to make me a better person for it.

i asked a girl at work, who recently got back together with her long-distance boyfriend, how it happened.  she said that he moved back to the Maritimes and they ended it.  but he kept in touch, would call her every once in awhile or text.  i guess it got to the point where she realized that she still loved him and now they're back together.  this is where my belief that my request for no contact was in error.  he can't come back to me if we aren't in contact.

i don't feel he's exceptionally proud, but i think it would be hard for anyone to just contact their ex again and say, "let's try this again" without having any contact in weeks or months.  i could be totally off, but i feel like these seemingly insignificant points of contact are actually significant.  i don't get the sense that he's dating anyone (he said that wasn't why he felt like he needed time and i believe him), though i don't know if he's been "dating" anyone (it has been 8 weeks after all.  even i'm getting antsy, and i went 6 years without it).  i think he's just living his life, and deciding whether or not i fit into it.

i think i've said this before but that's what bothers me about this whole thing - i get worked up about how good we could be together and how we complement each other but i really don't know that.  we didn't really have a "real" relationship.  we were dating, that's all.  it felt like more, but it wasn't.  i think that's why it's hard for me to understand why he's feeling like he can't fit me in his life right now because he doesn't really know how, or even if, i fit.  he might hate how messy i am or how i like to buy multiples of everything, even though i live alone and don't need to.  i might hate how he can't sit still or how he doesn't watch network TV.  who knows?  we might just be better of as friends in the end (though the chemistry is too hard to ignore so it will have to be all or nothing, i think).

i don't know.  i've been trying to be good about "living in the moment" and not spending too much time worrying about what i don't know.  the Mraz song runs in my head a lot, and it's helping.  easy and breezy.