the end?

in about three weeks, it will be exactly one year since Sam messaged me.  I thank God everyday for that day, and for the day i had the sense to respond, one week later.

and yet, it feels like something is wrong.  i've spent the past 10 months trying to not say the wrong thing and respect that he has a lot going on in his life.  i knew that would come back to bite me in the ass, and the past week or so, i'm starting to feel teeth.

work has been really busy for him the past week and a bit, more so than usual.  he also had his boy this weekend, so i knew he'd be busy.  but it feels like i'm just getting the dregs of his attention - whatever he can muster up at the end of the day.  and it's not in a phone call; it's almost always by text.

i blame myself for this - i could've corrected him months ago when he said out loud, "well, we both said we prefer texting over phone calls..."  i never said, not exactly.  i said i didn't like talking to people i had met online on the phone before i had even met them in person.  after that, i much prefer talking over texting.  it appears he doesn't feel the same way.

today, i was frustrated enough to send him a friend request on the social network.  what the hell, why not?  he hasn't responded, but i don't expect him to for awhile.  he says he's never on it.

he texted me tonight with a rundown of his day, though i was hoping for a phone call.  i admit - i got the text right away but didn't respond for about 20 minutes.  i was wondering whether i should respond at all.  i finally did but finished with,"too busy to talk, i guess?" the response came several minutes later with an apology (he was ironing and finishing lunches for tomorrow) and that he was exhausted.  he offered up tomorrow as a chance to chat and then asked whether i'd be free on Wednesday (we usually get together on Mondays or Tuesdays following his kid-weekend) because the mom had plans on the Friday.  I could only reply with "Wednesday works. Sleep well."  he will not find anything unusual about that response, i'm sure.

i want this relationship to work. these are the first real rumblings i've made so i can't expect things to change without talking about them.  but i have mentioned to him in the past that i prefer phone calls, and he still can't make time to make one 10 minute phone call to me at the end the night.  i always knew i would never hold the top place on his priority list but i hoped to crack the top 3 one day.  maybe not.

maybe it's just bad timing.  i understand that this might be all he can give me right now but unfortunately, it's no longer enough.  i don't need a lot more, but just enough to let me know that he's in this too.

i feel a letter coming on.