flashback

i don't always remember what i dream about. in fact, i normally never remember. but in the past week, i've remembered specifics of each dream i had just before i woke up.

in one dream, i was undercover for some sort of secret operative and i was trying to get away from people that were chasing me, and i took cover in a flash mob of dancers on a football field somewhere in the Ridge. as i gangnam styled my way through the throng of people, i heard my pursuers yelling after me, but they were calling me by a co-worker's name. "Yo! You can run from us but you can't hide, Yo!" i made it to the street where my boss happened to be driving by, and he picked me up and took me to his house. i remember his house was much different than what it was the last time i was there. in fact, it wasn't really a house at all.

instead of the split-level house i knew, it was a sprawling rancher that was part house, part cafe. as i walked through the cafe, all of these people i used to work with at my government job were there, having tea and visiting.

in another dream, i was enjoying a good cuddle with an ex-boyfriend. not the one i still keep in touch with, but the one that was too chicken to break up with me in person after two years together, so he just stopped phoning me.

in the third remembered dream, i was trying to get rid of old stuff (furniture, clothes, household items) but i re-discovered an old desk that came in two parts, so i wanted to keep it. so, i moved it back into our old family house in Poco - and Bertrand was the one moving it for me.

i was thinking about what the dreams had in common and i realized that they all had elements of my past mingled with my present. and if dreams are the subconscious, then what is my subconscious trying to tell me?

let me segue into another story - i just had a team meeting with my boss and two new members of our group on tuesday. the two bosses explained to Yo and i how our work was going to be split and what was going to happen with the assistant that had been working with me. essentially, i was now going to handle all aspects of our files, like i always wanted. now i had complete control over what happened and i would know if a phone call was made or if a letter was sent out. it is all in my hands and i've said all along that this is the best way to handle these files.

when i asked my boss what was going to happen to our assistant when she came back from leave, he basically said that she'd be working with other teams at the office because there was still lots of work to go around. as harsh as that might sound, it all made sense. i was finally getting what i'd wanted for years.

but something niggled at me. and it's still niggling at me. and after the dreams i've had since that meeting, i know what it is - my past co-mingling with my future? it's obvious, isn't it? i feel like i'm taking a step backwards.

when i started this job, i ran the files. but the workload became too heavy and i needed help so they hired an assistant. seven and a half years later, i've come full circle. and now it makes me wonder whether it's time to start again somewhere new.

i always said that after five years, i was going to start looking again because if i got to ten years in one place, i'd never leave. i'm coming upon my eighth year with the company. is that a bad thing? i don't think so. am i unhappy? not really.

but i've seen so many people leave (or be politely asked to leave) and they move on to other places and seem happier and get paid better. i hear my co-workers complaining about how their work lives are being affected now that new management has come in and things are not the way they were 2 years ago when everything was rosy with everyone. all of that negative stuff rubs off on me and i start to question whether or not i'm really happy.

on the one hand, i have great autonomy in my job and a lot of respect from all the right people. as i've proven already, more money doesn't mean i'm going to be padding my savings or taking big trips around the world. it just means i'm going to spend more money on more stupid things, and probably more frequently. and i know my job, do it well and people rely on me everyday to make their lives easier just because i'm there, being a team player. i'm insulated from most work drama because i have a boss that i can talk with to help smooth out any rough patches or adversity that i come across with management. i have power (not a lot, but enough).

on the other hand, i haven't been challenged with my work in years. i go back to school to keep my brain sharp because it doesn't happen at work. it's so routine that i make stupid mistakes because i don't pay as much attention as i should. i still don't have an office, even though i've been asking for one for the past five years. management is not what it should be and i think i could do a much better job if i knew how to run an office. everyone is unhappy and their unhappiness makes me unhappy.

when is it time to go? i joke that my working relationship with my boss is like every other relationship i've had with a man - i'm too loyal, i can't see his faults (or i overlook them and make excuses) and i stay with him longer than i ever should. when i'm finally ready to leave him, i'll leave.

the market is good right now for people like me - i could probably get a pretty good job for more pay at a bigger company and not look back. but that's the problem - if the fit isn't good with a new company or i don't like the job and i dread going to work everyday, have i really moved forward? or am i just biding my time until i can safely move on without looking like i've quit before really giving it a chance? and then what? job-hop until i find another good fit? i have a good fit now - why would i mess with that?

so many questions, so many answers that lead to more questions. i guess i'll know when i know.