i am love

while scrolling through my news feed on FB, i noticed a post from the Jason Mraz page that read, "And Now Back To Being In Love". of course, that got my attention.

i read the post and it introduced me to a book by Cafe Gratitude (the owners or something like that) about being love. not being in love, but being love itself. the book is called "Kindred Spirit: Fulfilling Love's Promise." it is a book-version of a relationship seminar that they offer at the cafe. their premise is that instead of waiting for love to come to us, that we should just be love itself. i was intrigued.

i read the page-excerpt from the book that was posted and, honestly, it sounded like a bunch of hippie mumbo jumbo. but i think that between all of the airy-fairy sentiments, there is something there.

and, like Mraz says on his post, the idea of it comes from many major religions so it's not something that's new. but as i always say, the reminder is nice to have. "Be the change you want to see in the world" is one of my favorite quotes. perhaps the idea of being love is something that i need to integrate into my life. still waters run very deep with me, but maybe it wouldn't be so bad to let a ripple or two cut the smooth surface every now and then.

i went onto the Cafe Gratitude website and was poised to buy the book, but then saw a tote bag with the cafe's logo, "What are you grateful for?" printed on it, and i decided to buy that too. except i didn't know how big the bag was, so i emailed the store to see what the dimensions were. no point in buying it if it's too small to carry anything in, yes? so, my Cafe Gratitude shopping cart is sitting, waiting to hear back from the administrative office. ah, red tape.

anyway, the thought of the book inspired me (again) to start my 10 commandments for 2011. and during my annual viewing of "The Holiday", i had another inspired thought for a new project for the year (and possibly down the road, my book): "365 Day Hi". the play on words refers to the "high" you get from getting a smile or hello response from a stranger. i've decided that, come january 1, 2011, i am going to say hi or smile genuinely at a stranger everyday, and see what comes of it. lord knows i can expound on any experience i have, ad nauseum, so it shouldn't be hard to do a 1 or 2 page chapter on each day. i don't expect to be able to do it on all days next year, but i'm certainly going to try. it'll give me something to focus on, other than things that i focus on that i shouldn't focus on. ahem.

Benylin day

i woke up this morning and i wasn't feeling great. i could've gone to work and i could've made it through the day operating at about 55 to 60%. i even showered and had a nice breakfast. but as i sat on my bed, willing myself to get dressed, i remembered earlier this year when i forced myself to go to work, only to leave at 10:30. at that point, i decided to call in "crappy".

i emailed my lawyers and my admin and said i felt like crap but i'd be in tomorrow. i then called Sands and left her a voicemail on the general mailbox. and then i slept for another 3 hours.

i woke up feeling rested, but i was achy. not a good sign. i then got up, took an advil. things got better from there.

i checked my email and there were a few messages from work, mostly of the "feel better" kind. then i see BabyMan, who was not on the email i sent initially, had sent me a message that said, "Crush is not in either. This place is exploding with suggestions and innuendo."

i emailed him back, saying, "When he gets out of the shower, I’ll tell him." he didn't respond, but i'm sure i heard him laugh from here.

i slept more during the day and really, today's BD was the best thing i could've done for myself. i feel much better and i now feel like i can get through the next two weeks before i'm off. why other people don't do it, i'll never understand.

someone else gets it!

i'm skipping a choir concert this afternoon because i'm feeling run down and i have too much to do. so what do i do? a bunch of chores and now am surfing the internet whilst listening to (not watching) Disney's "Fantasia".

anyway, while on my favorite style blogger's website, i happened upon another website. i didn't think much of it when i linked to it - i figured it was just someone like me, pontificating about life and their philosopies on same.

i was right, but this woman has taken it to a new level - the public level. i read her post about finding your purpose, which we all know is my obsession in life, among other things.

it's not so much about what she wrote, it's more that she discussed "ego v. spirit", which is something i struggle with constantly. basically, you know you're capable of doing one thing, but you're "stuck" doing something else that brings you a certain level of satisfaction (perhaps a great level of satisfaction). your ego tells you, "there's more to life than this!" and even though you're happy with where you are or with what you're doing or with who you have become, your ego knocks you off balance and makes you think you're still a long way from success.

but whose idea of success? yours? your parents'? your friends'? society's? in that post, she encourages her readers to be patient and to have faith that the trajectory of our lives is what we set it on, and not what other people want it set on. it's not about sitting back and seeing how things go but rather, that if you continue on with what brings you joy and what makes you feel fulfilled, that your ideal life (i.e. not someone else's version of ideal) will unfold before you.

it's not something i didn't know before, but it's nice to be reminded, not just for my own life, but to remind me that other peoples' lives are products of their own hopes, wishes and ideas. just because someone isn't living the life i would lead or do lead, doesn't mean they're not living a full life, which means i don't have any right to try to change it. i may have an opinion (and as i get older and more comfortable with who i have become, i have a lot of opinions), but it doesn't mean it's transferrable to someone else's life.

ego-check.