headache

when i have a hunger-induced migraine, it invariably comes hand-in-hand with a bloated tummy and a constant hunger pang, even when i've eaten more than i could possibly imagine.

and yet, at least once every couple of months, i do this to myself. i suffer the whole day with a headache, with which the pain level varies, and at the end of the day decide that i must never do this again.

but i always do. and i think i learn from my mistakes!

channelling

you know how i said i needed a distraction? i found one.

i just read in a newspaper today that my future-boyfriend, Dwayne "No Longer the Rock" Johnson is now in town to shoot a movie and he was seen working out at the Steve Nash gym just the other day, not five blocks from my work.

i think it's time to put on a pretty dress and stalk....i mean, try to meet him. see, he's getting ready to meet me in this picture. yes, okay, that was stupid.

but i have purpose again!

(well, i do have purpose and that purpose's class starts in two weeks! aaaarrgh!)

next!

the neurologist was just as puzzled as everyone else. he offered an MRI but also said, "i'd be deeply surprised if we found anything" (read: let's not waste the money on something we know isn't there). he is going to refer me to an ears, nose and throat specialist. that actually makes more sense. keep you posted

on a redundant note, i think i am a compulsive shopper (don't snort at me). i mean, not in the "Confessions of a Shopaholic" sense, but i do have an addiction. i bought decorations for Hallowe'en and fall yesterday at Michael's and at HomeSense. I'm returning half of it this week. I was on the shopaholics anonymous website, and found this helpful checklist. it doesn't have a description, but i think i am a "bulimic shopaholic". i love to buy stuff and then return it because just the sheer act of buying it makes me feel good. actually owning the thing is of no great importance in 95% of my purchases, but buying it is a must.

i like to think that mentally, i'm quite healthy, but it's quite obvious i'm not. the fact that i have a need and desire to obsess about something...anything, really... cannot be considered healthy. so, if i focus my energy on something other than shopping, then the credit card bill will lessen. but everything else i like to obsess about (men, mainly) leads me to unhappiness and self-doubt. shopping at least makes me feel good. that addiction feeds me and clothes me and makes me smell good (i think). but obsessing about men or my weight/health or career/education has never led me to happy places. i end up feeling very unsatisfied about love or physical being or education. i think all of that has sunk me into deeper depressions than shopping too much ever did. the money aspect does sneak its way in, true, but it's never about what i buy or whether i need it vs. want it. it's always about control.

perhaps that's why i like to control other aspects of my life. what happens at work, for example. complaining about my co-workers and their poor work ethic is one thing but if it's solely because i am trying to control them, that's another thing entirely. i don't want that. i don't want to control them or be the boss of them. but i do like things to run smoothly. so maybe that's it. or maybe it's not.

my rhetorical question, therefore, is what?

harp on

i think she's an ego-maniac, but that Oprah sure attracts great people. i found this article on her website tonight, and i think i am selling myself short. her basic advice to the "stymied" woman was to just create. don't think about whether it's good or not. don't think about whether what you create is going to bring you success. as Nike so wisely advised, "just do it!"

the only problem now is - which thing to do? i have a couple of ideas in my head about what i want to do, but the problem is i don't know how to go about doing them, while at the same time paying my bills and living a decent life. ah, that's just my Clever Critic talking. but that Critic sure makes sense....

still can't taste properly. neurologist appointment on wednesday. he'll tell me it's not neurological. and then, i will accept my fate, without any further medical intervention. holistic is next :)

my iPod is dead. i mean, it might come back to life just like it did a couple of times before, but i think this time, it's on it's final leg. or earbud. or something. it's not working, that's for sure. will have to read on the skytrain from now until the budget allows for a new one to be purchased.

so, i signed up for a cooking class in October. specifically, the one called, "Cook! and the City". yes, it's a singles cooking class. i know, totally unlike me right? no, what's unlike me is spending $125.00 on a single-night activity. oy. but, it sounded like fun. three girlfriends have expressed their interest. i e-mailed them all and let them know i signed up for it. i bet you that none of them will end up signing up. it's typical - i suggest an activity and everyone is on board, except if we all have to get ourselves individually motivated to do it. then there's no way. and there was no way ... that i was putting their registration fees on my card. i love them, but i don't need an extra $375 on my MC, you know what i'm saying? (oh, but the airmiles).

oh, that martha beck - she knows what she's talking about. yes, she's affiliated with Harpo but if i could have her as my personal life coach, i would totally do it. she is so wise.

and once again, i've spent my evening NOT preparing my lessons for the 29th. oy.