slouch!

in more ways than one.

it's been about two months since i last wrote. i've been busy! the teaching thing is almost over (my last class is monday) and i must say, i've learned a lot. A LOT! it's amazing how much you don't know about your own job, until you try to teach it to other people who have "outsider" questions.

did i enjoy it? yes.... will i do it again? yes.... do you feel a "but" coming on? yes.... i liken my teaching days to going to the gym - the mere thought of going sent me into a mild depression and whenever i walked out the door to leave for class, it felt more like i was going to get my teeth extracted by a medieval dentist. but once i was there and i was in the groove, i felt pretty damn good.

the cat is gone. i missed her for about two days. then, the realization that i didn't have to watch where i sat for fear of cat hair, sunk in. no more animal hair! life is good.

i'm getting fatter. i'm trying to exercise but my sweet tooth has been unbelieveable lately. actually, my food tooth has been worse. i've been over-eating a lot lately and i can't stop myself from doing so. perhaps i need to try a bit harder.

i'm not doing much better on the money front either (as i type away on my brand-spanking new computer!). instead of spending money on clothes, i spend money on food (see the problem one paragraph above). but, i have a plan and i will pay off my amex by june! well, i'll pay off the old stuff by june. once i go on holidays, i'll rack up a few more hundred dollars.

which brings me to my next piece of news: i'm going on holidays. not sure when exactly, nor where, nor with whom, but the idea is firmly implanted in my brain and we all know what that means: aut viam inveniam aut faciam.

it's the end of daylight savings time so we're springing forward tonight. which means when i go into work tomorrow (yes, on a sunday), i'll actually be there at 9am and not 10. ouch.

i was on the skytrain yesterday, coming home from work. it was about 6:30. there was this kid, probably about 6 or 7 but no more than that, with his mom. there were no seats for his mom so he sat down. he was the cutest thing. very well-behaved and so sweet and innocent-looking. when a spot beside him freed up, he pointed to it and said something to his mom (don't know what he said because it was in Korean or something but i can only assume he was telling her to sit down) and she told him that it was okay, she would stand. he started to drift off to sleep, his eyelids getting heavier and heavier as the train went on. he was the epitome of a child for me at that moment. and i felt myself starting to tear up. i'm not hormonal (that i know of) so i don't know why it made me teary. in a sad way too. is it the biological clock ticking? are my maternal feelings starting to grow stronger?

not surprisingly, i ended up having a bit of a meltdown last night. i was watching an episode i had taped of "Eli Stone", and the part where he's telling the judge at his disbarment hearing that he's always wanted to be a lawyer and can't imagine his life without his work, i broke down. i had an absolute meltdown. i felt like my life was pointless. i've been drifting aimlessly for 31 years and may continue to do so for another 31. i couldn't figure out why it was bothering me so much.

it's no secret that i've always envied people who have known what they wanted to do for a career for their whole life. while most days, i don't mind thinking that another, more fulfilling career is just around the corner, once in awhile i wonder why i just can't be happy doing what i'm doing.

the truth is, i do love my job still. sure, i'm frustrated right now but i think that has more to do with how i'm seeing things than what's actually happening. sure, lawyers i don't work for are asking me to help them when their assistants are away on holidays or are sick. instead of complaining about how they should have asked for a temp to sit at their desk, i should be flattered that they are singling me out (partners, no less!) to do their work for them. they may be menial tasks, but they know i won't screw them up.

once i come back from the Dominican, i will be refreshed and ready to go again. but until then, i'm hanging on by some very frayed, emotional strings.

and i'm still slouching. at least when i'm sitting.